These couple of days I had some nightmares. Scary dreams. Not about ghost or anything, but about dying. I woke up abruptly at night and I cried. Yesterday I came to realization, maybe this is a sign. Allah is trying to tell me that my time is up. I was so scared. Is is true?
I have always avoided telling people this; I am sick.I am not sure about it. I really am not sure. But everyday I feel pain, in my hands, legs, feet, stomach, and plus headache and feel so tired. The most often is pain in my hands, wrists to be specific. I always nearly-let-go of things that was in my hands. But maybe it’s just me. Maybe there is nothing wrong with me. Maybe I’m just another overweight girl, I have many things to take into consideration before I come to any conclusion.
But I am scared.
When I was a child, (I never tell people this), I always hoped I have some serious illness like cancer or any life-threatening sickness. I thought it was a ‘good’ thing to have because everyone would take care of you and love you,would pay attention to you and never forget you. I was so naive. I had no idea how people have suffered. I had no idea how broken-hearted my parents would be. How sad my good friends would be. I had no idea how it feel to have your life ’shorten’ like that, to know that anytime you could die.
This is so sickening.
Maybe I am wrong. Maybe after months I will laugh when I read this. But this is exactly how I feel right now. I am terrified, so scared that I just want to cry. I don’t know what should I do. There are so many things I want to do if I really am dying. But mostly I want to cry.
This ‘depression’ was added by the essay writing at class this morning. We were discussing essay topics like ’seize every moment’ and ‘live every day as if it were your last’. Then our teacher asked us to write things that we would do if we had only another 5 minutes to live. This was so depressing. I was shaking and nearly bursted into tears. Everyone around me has no idea, no idea how depressed I am right now.
But is it really true? am I really dying, Allah??
Oh Allah, do give me more time… and give me Your nuur and hidaayah..
Not to be dramatic with the title, it is just me, really bad in creating titles. Anyway, the title does contain some truth. I’m going to start anew in blogging, and that means my poor blogspot one will have to be abandoned. It is still there (in fact I just updated it this morning, but suddenly I felt fed up, a feeling that has long been lingering in my heart, but obscured by the shortage of time, no time to think of it!) and will always be there. I will always check it, and still love it. I’ve lived with it for about 3 years. I cannot just delete it, can I?
I really hope with this new ‘wasilah’ of expressing my feeling and pondering, I will feel satisfy and become more mature. I’ve always loathed myself when I blogged because I sounded so childish. Always whining and being ambigous about certain issues. I really want to become an unequivocal person, who totally believes in herself and her faith, who is strong and courageous enough to stand up to her opinions.
Much of the things I wrote in my previous blog are completely rubbish and childish. I’m looking forward to write here, to prove that I have changed and improved. I will try not to mind people who criticized me because I realize they make me notice of my own mistakes. I will not persuade people to come here, because my major objective is not to attract people. I just want a channel for my feeling and thinking to flow. Perhaps if I don’t have this opportunity, I would have exploded.
My language and writing skill are not good. I’m a novice in this area, though I’ve practiced writing for more than 3 years now. It is due to lack of formal education on this skill. It is hard to teach yourself all these and even if I taught myself to it, the possibility for me to be an adroit writer is so small. For the time being, I will learn slowly, read more and practise more!
It’s 5.25 pm here in Malaysia. I have to go and perform my asar prayer, and then I’m off to dinner!