These couple of days I had some nightmares. Scary dreams. Not about ghost or anything, but about dying. I woke up abruptly at night and I cried. Yesterday I came to realization, maybe this is a sign. Allah is trying to tell me that my time is up. I was so scared. Is is true?
I have always avoided telling people this; I am sick.I am not sure about it. I really am not sure. But everyday I feel pain, in my hands, legs, feet, stomach, and plus headache and feel so tired. The most often is pain in my hands, wrists to be specific. I always nearly-let-go of things that was in my hands. But maybe it’s just me. Maybe there is nothing wrong with me. Maybe I’m just another overweight girl, I have many things to take into consideration before I come to any conclusion.
But I am scared.
When I was a child, (I never tell people this), I always hoped I have some serious illness like cancer or any life-threatening sickness. I thought it was a ‘good’ thing to have because everyone would take care of you and love you,would pay attention to you and never forget you. I was so naive. I had no idea how people have suffered. I had no idea how broken-hearted my parents would be. How sad my good friends would be. I had no idea how it feel to have your life ’shorten’ like that, to know that anytime you could die.
This is so sickening.
Maybe I am wrong. Maybe after months I will laugh when I read this. But this is exactly how I feel right now. I am terrified, so scared that I just want to cry. I don’t know what should I do. There are so many things I want to do if I really am dying. But mostly I want to cry.
This ‘depression’ was added by the essay writing at class this morning. We were discussing essay topics like ’seize every moment’ and ‘live every day as if it were your last’. Then our teacher asked us to write things that we would do if we had only another 5 minutes to live. This was so depressing. I was shaking and nearly bursted into tears. Everyone around me has no idea, no idea how depressed I am right now.
But is it really true? am I really dying, Allah??
Oh Allah, do give me more time… and give me Your nuur and hidaayah..
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I found your new blog! *is so excited*
But, *cough* anyway — I think it’s very, very good that you think of death like this. I remember those lectures at camps and stuff, the “insaf”-ing stuff; the ustazs always tell us to remember death; that we could die in the next minute if Allah has decided so. It makes us realise who we are and what we are doing here.
Everybody gets some sickness and disease sometimes, I think it’s also a reminder, a sort of “mini-death” Allah has sent us. I don’t think I’ve thought like you, the wanting to have a serious disease and stuff, but yes — you will get a lot of attention, won’t you? But think about how difficult it would be to even walk or solat or go to school…
Then again, maybe you might just want to have a medical check-up? Just in case? My mother has pain in her hand joints, it’s rheumatoid arthritis or something like that. It seems to be all fine now, though. She used to have to massage her hand all the time, and can’t lift heavy objects.
Comment by Aneesah — September 29, 2005 @ 6:49 am