mkderwish…

Hari Raya break is just 10 days away and I cannot wait. My brain is crammed with plans right now. Oh, there are just too many things to do, or rather, just too many people to visit and meet. Just hoping my older brother will just want to relax this holiday so that I can use his car to move around. I don’t think I can afford coming home without seeing my teacher. Now that I have not seen her for almost 3 months… and I don’t think I can afford to hold the burden of guilt because of not meeting my old pals from school either.

I just want to go home, actually. I need a break.

To tell the truth, here I am lost. I cannot recognized myself. There are always dilemma in everything, whenever I have to decide something. Here, I have to stand on my own feet. Frankly, I had always relied on others who I thought were better than me, before… in the past. I feel neither easy nor comfortable for I never know for sure, I am not certain on my decisions. By decisions, I mean, my attitude, my behaviour, my appearance (now I’m too self-concious, not all those make-up fuss, but how people perceive me…if you understand what I mean) and my answers to people of their questions. I feel responsible to help people because I understand they will see me as someone ‘educated’ and someone who were being brought up with islamic values from what I wear. But I am not good. Not good enough. Hence, all the dilemmas I feel. I feel guilty for whatever I did, because I know some people see all my behaviours as the ‘okay’ things to follow. No, it’s not okay at all.

Sometimes it is a fight between searching your true self and stick to the old you. Evidently I’m having a conflict right now and I am confusing myself. I guess, the best thing for me to do is just do what I think is right. But sometimes, there are things that are ambivalent. I, myself, will never be sure wether something is right or wrong, or both (possible?), without anyone who is superior (in term of evaluating things better, according to the Islamic law) to enlighten me.

… and there’s where the gap is obvious. But, hey, I’m not suprised no one beside me realize that.