mkderwish…

Abah baru beli digi cam baru… so tadi berangan, amek gambo banyak2… haha.

What am I supposed to do today? I want to go out but I don’t have the car. My father’s employee borrows it for a few days before he gets his car back, which is now in a workshop, due to an accident. Of course, there still are my father’s and my mum’s.. but tak nak laa.. tak berani bawa kereta besar-besar.. kancil pun dah kene remuk sekali… I don’t want to risk it with big cars…because money pun akan big juga…

soo much to do, soo little time… yet soooo malas….

So, minggu ni belajar jadi budak tak guna. Eat sleep computer movies… and the cycles go on….

My mum will due this end of March. I am soooo excited. Kitorang adek beradek bersungguh-sungguh carik name baby girls (yup, it’s a girl!!).. so, on top of the list is Adna… and we’ve got many other names yet to be finalized. Semangatnye.. padahal lagi 4 bulan.. it’s okay! Semangat itu penting!

Okay, so random and mengarut….

Home, at last.

I went to Angsana today, bought a new handbag and a pair of new glasses. Yup, spectacle. Whatever. The power increase, about 75. Banyakkan? patutlah blur semacam pandangan. So, I chose a frameless one. Thought I would look better in it. Go ahead and laugh…

I have a story to tell. I have to buy a graphing calculator,kan. So, I asked my father to bank in RM 500. He used online fund transfer for the first time and made a mistake; he transfered RM 1000 into my account. And he said I’m keeping the money! So, I’m going to buy a RM650 calculator instead. The best one. It is TI-89 Titanium. It is the most powerful calculator allowed in the AP and SAT exam.

Malaysian universities and colleges do not use graphing calculators. Said they are too powerful and made things too easy for the students (this part, I made it up). But still, universities should have allowed this calculator. they have no idea how useful it is. It can do a lot of things. You can download many applications. Of course you can have all these in computers, but you cannot bring computer into the exam hall.

Actually I’m a little bit depressed. The reunion didn’t become a reality. And now that I’m home, I feel sooooo malas to go out and meet anyone. Maybe tomorrow I’ll go to school…. meet my former teachers…meet other friends kalau ada jodoh.. Kita merancang, Allah menentukan … aku terima dan redha tapi susah… sakit rase hati…. tapi harus terima…Adalah hikmahnya.. ni baru sikit, Mai…

It’s not this…

I watched LOST.. until Season 2, episode 9. Interesting. I have accumulated some dvds from downstairs. Dvds that I haven’t watched. A movie marathon is coming soon, I guess. What a lame way to spend holiday. I need to study. The SAT 2 is just a month away. I don’t want to feel regret. But it’s hard to get the motivation to work. Especially when the person is me… a person who has no motivation from the very beginning… for every exam…without fail!

Sampai sekarang aku masih teringat-ingat result SPM for Kimia and Biologi. Benci betul… memanglah aku dah terima and redha habis-habisan dah the fact that I didn’t do well in both of them.. but I still feel something… uneasiness! But I know really well that I didn’t deserve good result for all subjects pon… manusia tak pernah puas.. diberi selembah emas, akan minta dua.. bila bagi tiga.. nak empat.. gitulah seterusnya.. rupa-rupanya aku pun manusia jugak… Baru sedar?? hahaha

Nothing happens, yet. I’m sure everyone is ‘eagerly waiting’ for something to happen… sequel to tsunami, perhaps… anything… to add another major catastrophe to the history… on the 26th December….

SAT results….

Reading 560
Math 710
Writing 580 (Essay: 8/12)

Overall marks: 1850

I am dissapointed. Of course my overall mark has improved but my essay was totally discouraging.The October test, I got 10 for my essay. I could have done better. But I didn’t finished my essay. It was so dissapointing. But there’s nothing I can do to change the fact that I got 8 for my essay!! except, resitting the test again, in May. I was aiming for 600 and above for writing…..

Nevertheless, the result I got has fulfill the entry requirements for any universities in Australia. It’s just me.. not satisfied. I can do better, I know.

So, today… holiday has started for me. (Because I’m not taking chemistry and I don’t resit TOEFL; got classes for those who are resitting). My friends and I went to Times Square. Weeeeee! I was happy, alleviated my dissapointment of the SAT results… went through all the rides, except for Space Attack (which I had riden years back and I wasn’t brave enough to try again). I went through the roller coaster, dizzy izzy ride and the ‘centrifugal’ (this term, my friends and I made it up, okay?) twice… and now I got the ‘punishment’.. headache!!!

My brother will fetch me at 10 pm…. at last, holiday!!!!

“Based on your drawing of your ‘house’ and the 10 answers you gave in the quiz, this is a summary of your personality:
You are sensitive and indecisive at times. You are a freedom lover and a strong person. You love your house and family. You are a gifted artist as well. Once you have a problem, you need a friend with you. Your life is always full of changes. Once you have a problem, you need a friend with you. son.

You added a flower into your drawing. The flower signifies that you long for love. We also see that you are sensuous and privately passionate. You don’t think much about yourself.”

hehe.. interesting! wanna look at the picture I draw? here it goes… totally ‘burok!’

I was going through my old entries and I found this ‘interesting’ entry…

Sunday, May 23, 2004

hi… i’m kinda stressed out today.. urg,, feel like screaming.. yet I don’t know why I should feel like this. I hate this feeling! Exam week hasn’t end yet.. but that’s not it.. though maybe a part of it.. haha. Headache again…
Have you ever heard of this statement? “When you leave school.. you’ll miss it and you’ll feel like going back.. going back in times” hem.. yeah rite.. I’ll never feel like that! school made me sick.. not particularly the books and all the studies.. it includes all these things about friends.. and how I deal with my life rite now that I’m a student… I’m sick of it..really..
I have many dreams.. and i don’t think i can achieve them.. so many obstacles.. i don’t think i’m that strong.. i’m not that stoic.. i’m weak.. always losing even when i’m battling with myself.. most of the time.. i don’t want to lose.. I wanna win.. but no one around me is supporting me for sure.. I always think am I too sensetive or maybe I’m truly not a good friend..not a good person.. do wrong things at the wrong times.. made people feel uneasy when they’re with me.. I’ve tried to change that.. failed.
“I HATE YOU.. PLEASE GO AWAY”
posted by mai k derwish @ 20:32

So… the quote I mentioned in the post has smacked my face hard. I admit I miss school, but I don’t want to go back. I have to proceed… I can still remember clearly how I was depressed of school. Of course I didn’t write about it in my blog, but I wrote about it everywhere else. No, I didn’t keep a diary, more like a compile of papers… I wrote whatever I wanted whenever I felt like to.

Anyway, I think I’ve achieve my dreams… I was pessimistic back then, or rather I pretended to be pessimistic… but I truly had faith with myself, until now. Although whatever turned out didn’t really what I expected, it still satisfies me. I don’t feel regret… all these are complicated.

I remember how I hated myself. Still am… I still haven’t changed, I know. Determination is not enough. I’m so stubborn.

I guess I have to accept who I am… just make sure I still follow the guidelines… people cannot be perfect…

Practice makes perfect; they say. But nothing is perfect. So, why practise?

Today all PPOU students had to attend Tun Mahathir lecture at Uniten’s multi-purpose hall. And so we did. The hall was so crowded. I happened to know that many Uniten’s students’ attendance were also compulsory for this talk. So I didn’t feel so bad. The lecture was about “Leadership in Crisis Management”…

I got to sit at the first floor. I couldn’t concentrate because Tun talked kinda weakly at first and I didn’t quite discern what he was saying. So I ’sumbat’ed my ears with earphones and listened to some songs. I knew I missed lots of jokes. But I just couldn’t stand long lectures. Not when the orators talk about things I feel irrelevant to myself. I know leadership is not irrelevant, but, oh well… Do I feel bad not concentrating on his talk? no…

Anyway, I took a couple of pictures of him. Not that I wish to make a wallpaper out of them.. but my friend asked me because I happened to be a lot taller than her. During the questions and answers session, a young woman stood up and without shame said how she prouds of Tun and he is her role model. Not that I’m saying it’s wrong, but her attitude when she said those things was so wrong. She was over enthusiastic. With her evening pink dress, she looked so out of place. My friend, Azu, saw her when we went out of the hall and said the young woman’s dress was so diaphanous, so thin that Azu could see her blue-dotted panties. So embarrasing!

Enough about that. Today was supposed to be a holiday (Sultan’s Selangor’s birthday) but our Physics lecturer decided we were not to have the break. So we had our physics class just now, from 4 to 6 o’clock. What I hate was the fact that there was no shuttle bus. We all had to walk from our apartment to our class… and the walking took 15 mins… 30 minutes ulang alik.. Very tiring.

I feel angry to my brother right now. He is in KL and he didn’t tell me. Not fair. Tiday, they (my bros and siss) went to Times Square and were enjoying themselves whilst I stuck here. Not fair. Not that I really want to go, but at least he should’ve told me. Not fair.

My parents are in Indonesia for my cousin’s weeding. Yup, my cousin is an Indonesian. Actually 2 of my uncles are Indonesian. You see, my grandfather had 2 wives, and one of them was Indonesian. She was the first wife. When my grandfather moved to Malaysia (because of some wars in Sulawesi, Indonesia) in 1950’s, he married my real grandma.

I want to be a good writer… quite impossible…

this post is sooooo random

My family, eid ul fitri 2005, without my older sister, Hasanah. I love my family, doesn’t everyone?

The play was boring. No props whatsoever, just white stage and many many scenes. Boring scenes. The lighting was magnificent though. And Marc Anthony looked great.

We have to write an assignment based on the play. Have to hand it in tomorrow. I haven’t started. Not an alphabet.

I have finished reading Vanishing Act. I planned to take my time reading it, but I couldn’t stop myself. I liked the way Jodi wrote this novel, although many perhaps consider this style boring.

I don’t have the mood to write, although I want to write something. What a mercurial, I am.

I screwed up during the exam, I know. I was so stressed last Saturday, so I begged my brother and sister to fetch me at UNITEN and bring me anywhere to pacify my feelings. So they did.

We went to KL Convention Centre; a PC fair was being held. There were so many people, packed like sardines. I bought new USB disk, Altec Langsing earphones, and a new optical mouse, because my poor mouse was dysfunctional. Bye bye money for those.

I also went to Kinokuniya; I bought 2 new novels there. There are Vanishing Act by Jodi Picoult and Ever After by Graham Swift. Now I am in the middle of Vanishing Act. Like usual, Jodi presented a flawless style of writing. (In my humble opinion, lah…). She is my favorite writer for now. I already have three of her novels.

We all are going to a theatre tonight, to watch Julius Caesar (Educational trip for scholarship holders, ha-ha). I do not know about this historical epic much, so I do not have any high expectation. It sounds boring, don’t you think? I did not want to judge it without seeing it first. However, I could not help it. Just hope it will turn out to be good. We are supposed to write an essay about it, too.

Things I need to buy:
• Graphing Calculator (which priced around RM400)
• New sandals. I can trade it with my new Nike snickers, which I have never worn.
• New handbag that match any dresses. (I got 4 handbags, but they all cannot be matched with my clothes properly)
• New glasses because the specs I currently use is somewhat broken. Not really, but it is disturbing. And my friends said I should not wear my old specs; I look like a nerd… (so I looked like a nerd before? When I was in school?)
• A scanner for my convenience here… I searched for it at the PC fair, but could not find it. It seems the fashion now is having the 3 in 1 copier, scanner and printer. But I already have a printer….
• Can I buy love? Just kidding… hahaha

To buy all these things (except for the last item), I need money! (Which I do not have). I do not want to burden my parents. But I really really need a graphing calculator and a new specs. No joke.

This post sounds ..um.. not good