mkderwish…

I was going through my old entries and I found this ‘interesting’ entry…

Sunday, May 23, 2004

hi… i’m kinda stressed out today.. urg,, feel like screaming.. yet I don’t know why I should feel like this. I hate this feeling! Exam week hasn’t end yet.. but that’s not it.. though maybe a part of it.. haha. Headache again…
Have you ever heard of this statement? “When you leave school.. you’ll miss it and you’ll feel like going back.. going back in times” hem.. yeah rite.. I’ll never feel like that! school made me sick.. not particularly the books and all the studies.. it includes all these things about friends.. and how I deal with my life rite now that I’m a student… I’m sick of it..really..
I have many dreams.. and i don’t think i can achieve them.. so many obstacles.. i don’t think i’m that strong.. i’m not that stoic.. i’m weak.. always losing even when i’m battling with myself.. most of the time.. i don’t want to lose.. I wanna win.. but no one around me is supporting me for sure.. I always think am I too sensetive or maybe I’m truly not a good friend..not a good person.. do wrong things at the wrong times.. made people feel uneasy when they’re with me.. I’ve tried to change that.. failed.
“I HATE YOU.. PLEASE GO AWAY”
posted by mai k derwish @ 20:32

So… the quote I mentioned in the post has smacked my face hard. I admit I miss school, but I don’t want to go back. I have to proceed… I can still remember clearly how I was depressed of school. Of course I didn’t write about it in my blog, but I wrote about it everywhere else. No, I didn’t keep a diary, more like a compile of papers… I wrote whatever I wanted whenever I felt like to.

Anyway, I think I’ve achieve my dreams… I was pessimistic back then, or rather I pretended to be pessimistic… but I truly had faith with myself, until now. Although whatever turned out didn’t really what I expected, it still satisfies me. I don’t feel regret… all these are complicated.

I remember how I hated myself. Still am… I still haven’t changed, I know. Determination is not enough. I’m so stubborn.

I guess I have to accept who I am… just make sure I still follow the guidelines… people cannot be perfect…

Practice makes perfect; they say. But nothing is perfect. So, why practise?