mkderwish…

Sibuk amat… tapi tak usaha nak buat keje..

Maybe I’m just tired. Tired if all these. All these conspiracies, all these hypocriteness, all these ‘wutever’ situations.

Gone again, the motivation. But I still am working….

Recently I find it’s hard for me to fall asleep… yesterday I slept at 3 am.. before that 4 am.. usually 1 am.. sometimes 2 am. I find this so tiring. Why? I don’t know. But I slept at 4 am that day because I watched this sad japanese drama titled “1 litre of tears”. I cried while watching ALL the episodes. The drama is based on a true story. So, if anyone would like to cry a bit (or a litre) of tears, do check this drama out.

Hmm… that drama is one of my escapades… it’s so stressed, living here. 9 months to go! Mai, ganbattene!

I need to do an intensive research on Animal Testing for academic writing. And I am the leader (who is not really a leader…) for my group to hold a promotional campaign of a product. One of my group member who is my assistant thinks that I’m incapable (this I can still stand).. thinks that I’m emotionless, pretends like I’m merely a statue, a wall or worse… I have said that if he has anything to say against me, just say it.. but he ignores… he makes me feel like I’m invisible…I let it go.. I just don’t wanna argue. But it’s so painful. One lecturer who conducts Uniten’s sports day thinks I’m idiot.. I just don’t wanna argue. That’s why I just let it go…. I don’t like arguing… it’ll only get worse. I’ll get involved and everything will get worse! That’s why I just let it go… but of course I’m hurt.

I’m a hypocrite.. I cannot stand all my friends who start to date…having boyfriend.. I cannot stand it… but I didn’t say anything… I pretend like I don’t mind.. I don’t feel good at all…

Underneath I’m like this… people around me surely have no idea how I really feel.. because I act so happily like a kid as usual… I’m happy superficially…. I’m crazy.. they say… yeah, I’m crazy

Actually, I’m waiting… still waiting since june last year… but it never comes…

Senang selepas susah..

I just don’t understand all the things that are happening now… maybe I don’t have to understand it.. or maybe I have to… All these are Allah’s plan…

After a week of stress , after received so much scolding, after feeling so stupid….. after I realized that I was the cause of all these……. I thought I would fail everything….

But…

I got 710/800 for maths and 750/800 for physics in SAT subject tests.

My first sem’s gpa is 3.77 and I’m the third in rank among the MOE scholars. The first (a boy) got 4 flat, and the second (a boy, too) got 3.78 (yup, only 0.01 higher than me).

Alhamdulillah…

I just don’t understand..
Maybe this is the way Allah telling that you can do it.. but you need a reminder because you are just too lazy to work hard…

I think I have changed… more serious in studying. Although not as serious as the top student, who reads at every seconds.. always with books..

Just to say that… my days were and are going to be sooo distressing. There are so much thing going on… mixed feelings.. guilty angry sad mad speechless scared uncomfortable stressed… and so on…

Much more mercurial that I’ve ever been..

As I go through life, I meet and find people who are intolerateble and impossible for me to stand… but what if in the end, I realize that I’m the one who is the most intoleratable and the most impossible of all…??

By feeling this, I guess, we’ll learn to compromise others, as well as recognize your own feelings…

Don’t compare yourself with others because you’ll only feel either pompous or stupid.. believe me. At least that is how I feel… stupid, most of the times….

Work hard! Work Hard!!!!!!!

Books books books….

Books that I’m currently reading…
1) Anton’s Calculus (haha, I have to)
2) Syed Qutb’s Manhaj hidup Muslim
3) Jodi Picoult’s Perfect Match
4) Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time
5) Muhammad Ar-Rashid’s Al-Muntalaq

there… my readings cover all aspects of life, don’t you think? Haha.. No, actually I just cannot stick to one book at a time. I tend to get bored easily…

Oh no.. I’ll go back to Uniten at 10 am tomorrow morning… I don’t want!!!

I came across this cute cartoon when ‘flipping’ through some blogs….. no words but COMEL! and soooo true

Most Malaysian should know by now the story of Syafiqah Borhan, a 15 year-old girl who was murdered and thrown into the drain, …and possibly raped before the criminal/s suffocated her to death (or maybe after).. Her body was found 3 days after she went missing on Wednesday (25th Jan) morning, in a drain, at the big big house area, where all bungalows are situated(Jalan Padi Huma), very near to the bus stop she supposed to wait for her friend that wednesday morning.

This happened in Bandar Baru UDA. Yes, the place where I live. Where I live! Her house situated just opposite my house. Well, not exactly opposite, but around that area. (there’s a main road which separated my house area (Jalan Jagong) and hers.(Jalan Barli) )

This evening, my mother, her friends and I visited her parents. And we heard what really happened. Only then I know what really happened. Some papers left many details and some even exaggerated.

That day was the first time she went to school alone. Before that, her mother accompanied her to the taxi. This was her takdir… semuanya telah ditetapkan Allah….

She was found fully clothed, even her ‘tudung was still intact. Just that her skirt was ‘terselak’..

I doubt that she was raped. She was having her period! maybe the criminal was frustrated to found that and just threw her into the drain. Maybe…

Never imagined this kind of case will occur here… Pity her.. and her family. She was an intelligent girl, studied in RK 1 (Kelas Rancangan Khas 1)….

Semoga Syafiqah ditempatkan bersama orang-orang beriman… and terpelihara. Aminn…

It’s not them that I miss. It’s the memory….

I know this sounds harsh. It was hard for me to admit this.

It’s a painful truth. We used to share a life. Understood a joke without much description. Laughed at the things we had done, together. Cried at the sorrow that we went through, together. Now all of us have gone into separate ways. Create stories that are uniquely our own. I am no longer in my friends’ life. I no longer play any roles. And so are they. We met and we told our story, so far. Which sounded so foreign and distant , to the listener. We felt happy… sharing happiness.

I miss the ‘old’ them. Meeting them all, I felt blank. My longing for them hasn’t decreased, not an ounce. Perhaps increased evenmore. I’m not sure. I cannot feel satisfy. Nevertheless, I honestly feel very happy… at last meeting them all….

As we go through this road called life, we’ll meet so so so many people. And of course, we cannot stick to the same environment/people. We have to move on, Mai. We had to. We have to go into separate ways. Each and everyone of us is different. And Allah has planned it all… As for me, I’ll be a physicist… if Allah permits….

And InsyaAllah, we’ll meet again, we’ll reunite, we’ll experience life together again…. in one of the so many intersections on this road…

I’m so emotional. I wrote everything up there because I’m such a ‘mengada-ngade’. Those are what I feel.. so unfocused. Maybe it just a feeling of ‘kesal’. I don’t know.

(Lately I have the feeling that I’m not gonna make it to study abroad…. something will go wrong… and I’ll stuck here…. Australia, sounds soooooo many millions light years away.)

“Reality is Relative”

…. there I go again… mood swing… I have to go out somewhere. Maybe to school. Or buy new dvds… What movies made you cry? Nowadays, only movies can trigger my tears. Last movie that made me cried; I am Sam. It’s hard for me to cry because of stress. Feel like crying, but I didn’t. I’ve tried, but rarely succeed.

cry when you pray… cry and pour out all your feeling to Allah. Ask anything… pengampunan dosa, penerusan hidayah.. minta segalanya dan menangislah… but it’s hard… I’m so weak.

Help me, the Greatest…