mkderwish…

I cannot study at the apartment. I just can’t.
AP Calculus is just 5 days away.. Wednesday, 3rd May 2006.
AP Physics Mechanics & Electric/Magnetism… 8th May 2006.

I am so not prepared.
Last week and this week, I wasn’t and am not feeling well.
My body is aching all over and I got headache every single night. Signs of extreme stress?? Haha.. maybe..

Ya Allah, do help me getting through this.

I need to achieve band 5 for both physics and calculus.

Please, whoever read this.. please pray for my success.

I’m having headache right now. And everything seems blurry, my eyes cannot really focus. I guess I need to sleep.

Nak balik jb!!! huaa… penin.. rindu semua..

Sometimes… you will feel so blessed.
Somehow, you get everything you prayed for.
and things that you don’t even ask…

Maha pemurah Allah… dapatkah kau rasa kasih sayang Allah?

There are just too many things that we take for granted. Our ability to hear, and to see. Our ability to stand, and to sit… our ability to drink, and to swallow… our ability to walk, and to ponder.. upon all His beautiful creations… including our own body. Just take a look at our hand… how magical… how beautifully ‘designed’ they are.. and how I can type this very sentence… just look at the way our fingers move… how can they move??? so freely like this…

Without Him, we are nothing. How can people be so arrogant? No matter how intelligence you are… no matter how beautiful you are.. no matter how many doctorates you hold… no matter how many medals you obtained….remember they are not the things that define you.

To Allah, only our imaan matters…

At the end of the day, we only have Allah to cling on to..

I just don’t understand how people can be so arrogant?

This is a tazkeerah to myself too. Sometimes, you just can’t help but feel a bit ‘bangga’… Riya’.. you have to avoid it.. brush the feeling away!!

If someone have some ‘extra’ quality… he/she should know how he/she is supposed to use it. With ‘power’, comes responsibility..

As a daie.. I have to use all my ability to work for Islam.
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Actually, I feel so blessed.
I feel so blessed because Allah never let me go…

Just when I feel like giving up..
Just when I feel like don’t want to care anymore
Just when I feel like doing whatever I want.. suka hati aku..

He reminds me…

Ade je tazkeerah dan pertolongan yang datang dalam macam-macam bentuk..

I feel so fortunate… Allah never let me go..

Mase-mase macam ginilah.. you really feel kasih sayang Allah

I feel so blessed… I hope I’ll be istiqamah in this ‘road’

I feel so blessed… because I didn’t go astray… even if I ‘lencong’ sikit.. cepat2 balik…
I know some people… who has gone too far…too far….’lost or drown’ maybe….
I feel afraid… scared..

Ya Muqallibal qulub.. thabbit qalbi aladiniq..

Jadilah hamba Allah yang bersyukur…

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The paragraphs below is written on 14th April 2006

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Allah loves me.

If I didn’t get the kind of tarbiah I got when I was in secondary school, I guess I’d turn out to be one of those girls who neglect solats and think covering aurah is bothersome. Maybe even be flirty and attention-seeker.

Allah loves me.

If I didn’t have the family I have right now, I guess I’d turn out to be an ungrateful daughter, a malevolent sibling, much worse than how I am right now. I am not saying that I am a good daughter or sibling…. But I can be much much worse. Like some of my friends treat their parents…. In an inappropriate manner.

Allah loves me.

He gives me everything I prayed for. He gives me more than what I prayed for.
He gives me problems for me to solve, to think. He makes me see the bright side of each dark corner. He gives me so many ‘tazkeerah’ so that I’ll always remember my origin… my aim… for life.

I love Allah.

But I don’t do enough….I hesitate… I am ungrateful slave. How do you prove your love to Allah?

Remember… you are nothing but mere slave… you are disabled in every way… only Allah can give you qudrah…

You don’t really know yourself. Only Allah knows your true limits… only He knows your real personality… only He knows you best.

You have no right to say He is not fair. What is the parameter? What is fair? Relative to what??? How can you know what is fair and what is not??

Ponder on His creations..
Sacrifice for Islam… for your own good.. and for the Ummah.
Zikrullah..
Rindu mati… bertemu Allah
Let others see… Allah’s unconditional love towards all of us… DA’WAH
Let others see!!! ALLAH’S UNCONDITIONAL LOVE TOWARDS ALL OF US!!

I fell again today. In front of my friends (usual witnesses) and some makciks at the dining hall. It was embarrassing… everyone was shocked. Haha… But… My hypochodria strickes back. I wish it is easy to brush the feeling away. But I wish even more.. that I have the answer to all these. ASAP please!!

Allah, please keep me strong. And let me forget about all these craps.

Right now my hip is aching… It’s normal, right?

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Anyhow… my parents will be coming this weekend! Yahoo!! with Hanaa’ of course! I miss them and I miss my baby sister and her ’so-kissable’ cheeks.

AP is just a week away. Right now I’m freaking out. I haven’t mastered Calculus yet…. I hate trigo… everything is okay but when it comes to trigo, I just stuck. Sin Cos Tan Cot Csc Sec … whatever!! Keep practising!! Keep doing your work, la….

I think, Physics is okay..

There are so much things to do, yet so little time. Research paper, Computer skill presentation, Grad nite stuffs.. prog book and invitation cards, AP exercisessssss!!!

Hmm… I wrote that I couldn’t wait for the 3rd sem… but when I think again, I actually cannot wait for this course to end… 6 months to go… Can I survive?? I will survive.. haha..

What a ‘mengarut’ post. Actually it’s 4.45 pm… and I have athletics class at 5…. have to get changed first..

2 weeks before AP. I guess for now, I am emotionless.. worried.. but no so.
I tried to forget about the hypo and all.. I guess for the time being, I have succeeded. A bit. I feel much better.

I deviate my thought to AP and all the assignments that I have to hand in this week. Just one more assignment, daily log for athletics. And also, I really have to call IMR (institute for medical research)… but being me, I am having a hard time when it comes to talk for formal things like this….

Nothing much really, to blog about. I’ve been busy studying… huhu..
and the connection at my apartment has to be renewed, that’s why I didn’t blog earlier. Now I’m in the library…

Actually, I cannot wait for the 3rd sem… the YTN and BNM scholars will depart to overseas by then.. we will ‘receive’ juniors. And.. no more big exams like AP and SAT. No saturday classes… I will feel lighter. Much much more lighter. Haha.

Hmm.. about dieting and stuff. I did mention about it, didn’t I? Well.. so far… I guess it works.. maybe a bit. I don’t notice any difference.. but my friends said they noticed it.. maybe because they are tired of me, wanting to skip dinners and all.. My mum is worried too, I guess… she asked me to stop dieting. Actually, I am not really on diet. I just skip dinner… and I eat like a lot when it comes to breakfast and lunch… so people, don’t worry. I’m fine ler.. It’s not like I didn’t eat at all.. Siap makan penuh pinggan with nasik and lauks tau mase lunch….

I am going back again this weekend. Got Monday and Tuesday holiday!

My little sister’s name is Hanaa’. It means, Happiness! Yes.. she’s our happiness.
She’s so beautiful. She’s perfect. She’s going to be real manja because she’s the last child.. and big age difference between her and all of us (other siblings).

My friends from my former school are mad at me because I didn’t tell them about my sister… I forgot. To tell them. But am I at fault? Haha

…..

The things about being a hypochondriac is… the heart refuses to accept.
…..

This week was as crazy as any other weeks that I have experienced. I got so many works that haven’t been done. I need to study for my AP exams. Only 4 weeks left!!!!! There’s also a research paper to be done. 5 weeks left! I need to do more interviews… I need to call the Institute of Medical Research. I need more resources!!! I need to do the programme book for the YTN and Bank Negara’s Scholars’ Graduation night. I have to finish the journal for 12 sessions (which I haven’t started yet) for athletics class.. and a design of a tshirt also for that class.

I need to focus on my AP exams… but there are so many other things that want to ‘rebut’ my priority.. penat seh…

I am so worried… AP.. AP.. AP..

If Allah brings you to it, He will bring you through it….. Oh Allah.. help me!!

Ironically, I still want to go back to JB…. and I still am writing here… haha

I want to write everything if I can.
I want to say everything if I’m brave enough. Let’s see how far can I ‘reveal’. I’m tired of pretending.
This is supposed to be my space to lessen the intensity of my feelings. I know I didn’t use it to the ‘fullest’.

I am a coward.

I am a hypocrite.

I am a paranoia.

I am a hypochondriac.

I pretend…

For the first time in months… I cried because of the stress here. I cried thrice in a day. And I cried in public. So embarrasing. That must be my accumulative tears. Haha. Happened on the 27th of March 2006. Cuz I had a bad day…

I am an extreme hypochondriac…. I spent so much time wasting on my ‘hypochondriacness’ (dunno whether the word exist). Our mind is a powerful thing…. how it controls our body and make we believe what we want to believe…. I don’t like this. I guess I need help.

Fragments and fragments and fragments… I just cannot… hmm.. might as well not post this, but, oh well…………….

I’m home, again.
I haven’t updated this blog for quite a while. In these 2 weeks, I’ve been busy… there were so many things going on. Lots of emotions involved. Not only my own.

A good news first! My mum has safely given birth to her 11th child on 30th of March 2006 at 11 am. She is so extra cute! Adorable!! This is she..

Her cheeks are just like mine.. and her eyes are so small when she opens them (sepet). Like Choi Ji Woo la this baby. Haha.

Anyway, this is the reason I am home for the weekend. I skipped physics and athletics yesterday.. and I’m going to miss Calculus class tomorrow. I sacrifice for this long-awaited baby. yeah rite

I want to write more but I am soo tired from the journey. Maybe I’ll write more this morning………….