Edit : I received my actual semester 2 result transcript a couple of days ago. Alhamdulillah, I got 3.88. Please pray for my AP result, which will be released on the 3rd week of July… End of Edit
I’m back 
. Haha.. I cannot tahan anymore.. I need to write. I tried to be distant from this blog to avoid me writing complete craps.
I don’t want to feel depressed anymore. At least not showing it here.
I know no one cares. I’m not actually depressed. It’s just that everything was so overwhelming around me that I felt so serabut. And I needed a break, and I had it. I had my brain worked to find the way out. I know I’m lying. I just decided to be ‘cool’ about all these.
hmm.. but I sure did a lot of thinking…
I’m sorry, I don’t think it’s appropriate for me to tell what really are bothering me, as much as I want to… one thing though, there are lots… that explains my extreme serabut-ness. Some you can already guess (based on my entries before… ).
Anyway, my aunt went back to our hometown for a couple of days but came back here because she just cannot stays with a younger sister. She got worse, rebelled and got mad at everything. That’s why we took her back. It’s scary when she gets worse…
Hanaa’ is extremely cute! She can laugh now. So adorable!!! But just now she fell on the floor (my younger sis accidently let her go.. and now she’s still crying on and off. Poor her… But still is sooo cute!
My batch plans for a mini reunion this wednesday. Honestly, I don’t feel enthusiastic at all. My soul is not into it anymore. I am tired.
Our former school office clerk passed away yesterday. She had liver cancer and survived for more than 2 years after her diagnosis. Inna lillah wa inna ilaihi rojiun.. Her children are still schooling, all of them. As for me, I cannot think of the right words to comment on this… I feel sad.. Death again…
My grandfather is just hospitalized, he has lung cancer. He has alzheimer, that’s why he seems clueless about his illness. Maybe he doesn’t even feel pains. That’s good then. He won’t suffer so much.
One of my cousin is having major depression. The family is afraid that he might be developing Schizophrenia… It’s in our blood already.. very high possibility. Aaa!! I’m so scared.
Okay, I need to stop here…
I’m tired of all these.. fed up..
I need a break ..
Where’d you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it’s been forever,
That you’ve been gone.
Where’d you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it’s been forever,
That you’ve been gone,
Please come back home….
So sad, this song …
The feeling comes again.. fed up. Maybe because it’s holiday. So there are least things to make me feel tense. Or maybe, because it’s holiday. So, the things that make me tense supposed to be decreased. But it doesn’t happen. I’m not making any sense…..
Imagine, you woke up in the middle of the night… heard a shrieking laugh, from the toilet… for at least half an hour…
Imagine, a ‘fried rice’, with all herbs and spices in it, with grapes, with slices of mango (even the outer layer), with macaroni, with serai…over-cooked… and also, fried chicken, with cheese, and eggs and nestum…
Imagine, your kitchen being cleaned, but everything is thrown into the rubbish bin, including medications that your doctor prescribed to you just a night before… and you being scolded because you took them back..
Am I exaggerating? Am I overreacted? actually.. I don’t react at all… I’m ignorant… I’m IGNORANT! I cannot help but act ignorant.. I’m not so patient.. I hate it when I cannot be patient.
Patience… Actually I’m not patient.. but I pretend ….
“Mai, thank you… I learnt about patience from you….” I felt like laughing when I heard that. Yes, a person said that to me.. Apparently, she was surprised to know how patient I am .. I was laughing, inside…
Patience… I hope I can have that for real. Ya Allah, give me patience…for real …
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I will help tutoring a form 3 girl for this remaining holiday of hers. just 3 days.. I will get pocket money Alhamdulillah, rezeki jgn ditolak.. mak die pujuk me..kinda funny .. but I have no problem at all.. kalau tak dapat duit pun takpe.. It can be my training!
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Mixed feelings… again…
Somehow, my plan screwed up. But don’t worry, 3 weeks left before time’s up, Mai…
But, this holiday, I don’t have much time to think about it seriously.. no time to worry..
So, don’t bother to worry!!!! but I don’t have any other time….
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She’s getting better …
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I am afraid of the end. The abrupt end. Tsunami, earthquake, landslide, traffic accident, bombing, hurricane, gun shot, anything! Without warning they cause our death… These couple of days, I imagine things… I don’t know why. I’m scared. I have sinned a lot… I don’t want sudden death.. Help me, Allah… Allahumma amitna bil imaan.. waadkhil jannata maal imaan…
“I was born to be a good muslim, but I’m afraid I’ll die in a body full of sins… I know the truth and behold to it, but I never want to deepen my interest in it…..”
I wrote that when I was in form 4. Or form 5. I forgot.
I hope, Allah gives me warning before my time comes… of course, we have to be prepared at every time.. but I hope I get the sign…
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I always think I’m crazy.. I’m psychotic… maybe..
It’s in my blood already…
but crazy people won’t say they’re crazy, right?
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I eat a lot! I’m feeling guilty… being unjustice to my body. No discipline… Despite all these, I still eat a lot.. holiday means a lot of foods that I crave for long! I hope I can be more discipline.. or cepat2 balik uniten.. senang sikit nak mendisiplinkan diri..
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Somehow, I cannot wait for the 2nd semester result transcript to arrive…
I hate myself because I feel great I get that kind of result.. I shouldn’t …
Riya’, it’s so hard to escape… Ya Allah, brush this feeling away…
I think it serves me right if I got disasterous result for AP. Once in a while, I should learn how to face failure… How failure feels…
But I don’t want….
Keep reminding myself… All these are not mine… They are Allah’s. How ‘best’ they are.. they are never mine.. so why should I boast around ? I have no right to do that… and I should use them to the fullest.. for Islam..
It’s important for a muslim to stand with excellence in his/her hand…
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There goes unfocused post… I feel kinda messy inside.. This is one of my way to rearrange all my thinking… I haven’t finished.. but I’m tired..It’s 12.36 am.. and I have to wake up early…
I feel like crying …
My aunt will be staying here for a while, until she gets well. My parents have to watch over her, making sure she takes her medicine…
Sigh, just when I got this a month holiday. I guess, I have to be strong and try my best to help. It’s quite cruel of me if I got mad because she’s here. I have to help. I cannot be selfish. It’s an inconvenience but I trust this is one of Allah’s trial for me. Be patient and caring …
She has schizophrenia. It’s scary. Everything concerning her is unpredictable. She always laughs by herself. She laughs only when she’s alone. She got mad at everything. If anything is messy, she will nag and scold everyone she sees. Her face looks scary. All glum and red… her eyes are red… Her cooking, you don’t want to know. She just mixes everything…
I pray to Allah, hope that she’ll recover. She has this sickness since forever. And it comes and goes. Especially when she’s under a lot of stress.
But people, please… she’s not crazy. This is not a type of madness. She’s sick and that’s that. She has a psychological disorder and that’s that. All of us, normal people have to help her. All the stigmatism will only worsen the condition. When she’s okay, she’s very okay! actually, my aunt is a very caring and loving person. Only when the sickness comes, she becomes a bit different.
Her sickness really made me interested in learning psychology and human mind… I like to know various kind of psychological disorders. I read books like ‘I know this much is true’ and ‘Or give me death…’ and watch movies like ‘Girl, Interrupted’ and ‘A beautiful mind’ repeatedly. Human mind is so fascinating….. don’t u think??
Anyway… today I accompanied my mum to the hospital. I watched over Hanaa’ while my mum was having her medical check-up.
And, I just got back from my friend’s (Nonie) house. Just talking and doing nothing else. I’m bored at home and I am missing everyone… but many of my friends are not at their home.. I’m looking forward to meet everyone!!
Hanaa’ is super cute!! she looks a lot like a chinese just that her skin is a bit tanner (huh? hehe). Oh, her cheeks are getting chubbier.. and her voice is soooo sweet. I love her small eyes! I will post her latest pic.. later.
What shall I do tomorrow?….