mkderwish…

The feeling comes again.. fed up. Maybe because it’s holiday. So there are least things to make me feel tense. Or maybe, because it’s holiday. So, the things that make me tense supposed to be decreased. But it doesn’t happen. I’m not making any sense…..

Imagine, you woke up in the middle of the night… heard a shrieking laugh, from the toilet… for at least half an hour…

Imagine, a ‘fried rice’, with all herbs and spices in it, with grapes, with slices of mango (even the outer layer), with macaroni, with serai…over-cooked… and also, fried chicken, with cheese, and eggs and nestum…

Imagine, your kitchen being cleaned, but everything is thrown into the rubbish bin, including medications that your doctor prescribed to you just a night before… and you being scolded because you took them back..

Am I exaggerating? Am I overreacted? actually.. I don’t react at all… I’m ignorant… I’m IGNORANT! I cannot help but act ignorant.. I’m not so patient.. I hate it when I cannot be patient.

Patience… Actually I’m not patient.. but I pretend ….

“Mai, thank you… I learnt about patience from you….” I felt like laughing when I heard that. Yes, a person said that to me.. Apparently, she was surprised to know how patient I am .. I was laughing, inside…

Patience… I hope I can have that for real. Ya Allah, give me patience…for real …
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I will help tutoring a form 3 girl for this remaining holiday of hers. just 3 days.. I will get pocket money Alhamdulillah, rezeki jgn ditolak.. mak die pujuk me..kinda funny .. but I have no problem at all.. kalau tak dapat duit pun takpe.. It can be my training!

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Mixed feelings… again…
Somehow, my plan screwed up. But don’t worry, 3 weeks left before time’s up, Mai…
But, this holiday, I don’t have much time to think about it seriously.. no time to worry..
So, don’t bother to worry!!!! but I don’t have any other time….
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She’s getting better …
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I am afraid of the end. The abrupt end. Tsunami, earthquake, landslide, traffic accident, bombing, hurricane, gun shot, anything! Without warning they cause our death… These couple of days, I imagine things… I don’t know why. I’m scared. I have sinned a lot… I don’t want sudden death.. Help me, Allah… Allahumma amitna bil imaan.. waadkhil jannata maal imaan…

“I was born to be a good muslim, but I’m afraid I’ll die in a body full of sins… I know the truth and behold to it, but I never want to deepen my interest in it…..”

I wrote that when I was in form 4. Or form 5. I forgot.

I hope, Allah gives me warning before my time comes… of course, we have to be prepared at every time.. but I hope I get the sign…
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I always think I’m crazy.. I’m psychotic… maybe..
It’s in my blood already…
but crazy people won’t say they’re crazy, right?
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I eat a lot! I’m feeling guilty… being unjustice to my body. No discipline… Despite all these, I still eat a lot.. holiday means a lot of foods that I crave for long! I hope I can be more discipline.. or cepat2 balik uniten.. senang sikit nak mendisiplinkan diri..
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Somehow, I cannot wait for the 2nd semester result transcript to arrive…

I hate myself because I feel great I get that kind of result.. I shouldn’t …

Riya’, it’s so hard to escape… Ya Allah, brush this feeling away…

I think it serves me right if I got disasterous result for AP. Once in a while, I should learn how to face failure… How failure feels…

But I don’t want….

Keep reminding myself… All these are not mine… They are Allah’s. How ‘best’ they are.. they are never mine.. so why should I boast around ? I have no right to do that… and I should use them to the fullest.. for Islam..

It’s important for a muslim to stand with excellence in his/her hand…
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There goes unfocused post… I feel kinda messy inside.. This is one of my way to rearrange all my thinking… I haven’t finished.. but I’m tired..It’s 12.36 am.. and I have to wake up early…

I feel like crying …