mkderwish…

Are you all afraid?

You should be.

I am.

I am afraid that I am the poison. Poisoning the well.

Ink that spoilt the milk.

without realizing it…

That’s why Ilmu is so important. Not only that… Ilmu with the right fikrah.. not only that.. Ilmu with the right fikrah and amal…

But many don’t care. Follow their heart desire… thinking they are right while they are wrong. Think that they are the most brilliant while actually they are the stupidiest.

I am so afraid I am one of these people…

Nauzubillah min zalik…
Allahumma fakihna fiddin…

………….

Just a thought.. mmm.. not really a thought pon..
Just now I watched “bawang putih bawang merah”, an indonesian drama series… modernized bawang putih bawang merah. (before this Malim Kundang.. ekeke.. jadi batu coz accident ngan lori simen…)
Si bawang merah marah dengan mak die.. sukahati je cakap “Mama munafik! tadi bilang begini! sekarang lain!” Lebei kurang la.. but I was really shocked dengar perkataan munafik tuh.. senang2 ajer ye. Dengan mak die pulak tuh. Well, maybe la kot indonesian dah biase gune that term utk cakap penipu.. but still…..

Anyway, this series’s jalan cerita is exactly the same ngan our lagenda bawang putih bawang merah.. mak tiri bunuh mak betul, n then dera bawang putih (actly name die Alya.. n bwang merah Siska.. lawo pulak tuh dedua). Tapi agak tensen la cerite ni… mane taknye, si heroin (Alya) lemah sangat.. and baik terlampau2. Ngak logikal sih!

……………

I always see others’ flaws..
I see mine, too…
I know my flaws. When I ask people what they don’t like about me, what are my flaws, actually I know and I aware that I did that. Sometimes rase geram.. lagi? ape lagi? I know that.. but other than that? ramai yang just geleng2 je.. same ade betul takde.. or derang rase tak sampai ati nak bagi tau saye (but mane bleh.. I’m trying to improve myself here).

I know the fact that I’m not a good person. Oh, so many things I did…

But I cannot stand people who think they are so good and wara’….

I wonder… when people did something wrong, betul ke derang tak perasan??

———–

I am so jealous of people who can write exactly what they are thinking. I am so jealous of people who can write such structured and beautifully written article… or thoughts.. or even blog entries.. Not just fragments like mine..

My thoughts are scattered.. in pieces. But I have this strong urge to write. But I can’t….

Is it practice or just talent?

Or maybe because of how one’s brain works…

I admit that I can’t concentrate on one thing for long. My thoughts and ideas come and go so quickly. If I didn’t write it this very instant, it wud never come again. And then a lot of blanks…. like right now…
. . . dot dot dot…

Well, this is when ‘draft’ comes in, kan… rangka.. catat dulu everything.. and baru la cantum the pieces together later on.

But, huhu… I write when I feel like too… (uish, ape ni mai? tak paham… )

Anyway, practice and practice and practice.. and of course, read a lot more!

Hoho.. nasib baik tak buat course like literature or language, kan.. I wud fail…
Physics suits me then…HOPEFULLY!

—
Erm, sometimes I just couldn’t help but think that I’m unique…
But then, semua orang pun unique and have different abilities/way of thinking/talents…
So, that makes semua orang normal..
So, I’m normal…
—

Teringat I discussed with my friend about psychological disorder…
Well, everyone has some sort of psychological disorder at some degree…
Mild OCD, mild bipolar, mild anxiety, mild depression, inferiority complex…that creates unique individuals..
As for me, I have mild bipolar kot.. (haha, suka hati je).. yela, senang rase gembira.. n tak asal2 sedih…
Or maybe I’m really a maniac.. sometimes I imagine things…

well.. the conclusion is, kalau semua orang is so normal… tak best la kan.. kalau berkawan pun kite suke kawan ngan orang yang gile-gile sket… memang la bukan gile betul, just that ade traits yang unique… that make a person, a person…

uh, just that, hopefully the psychological disorder tak jadi teruk.. jadi betul kang. I don’t want to be a scizophrenic. Mild-mild sudah la… (uish ape ni again?)

Eh, I’m not a medic student.. so.. ni just cakap-cakap je… just my opinion
—–

So… there goes randomness! Seronoknye….

Malay languange mode today…

Dah berhari-hari aku cuba nak tulis entry, tapi tidak berjaya. Heh. Tak best la guna komputer lain. Petang tadi laptop ku sudah selamat dihantar ke kedai komputer untuk diperbaiki. Huhu. Yes! Laptop ku rosak…. sedihnye.
So, semalam seharian keje back-up files, burn dvd… ingatkan sambil-sambil tuh boleh la update blog, tapi tak kesampaian. Macam-macam hal… huhu.. ape hal nye pun tak tau la… I think semalam rileks semacam je.

Anyway, I’m home. Best sangat rase dah kat umah ni. Tapi seriously, bila kat umah jadi teramat malas. Let’s see buat ape sepanjang 3 hari dah kat umah ni… hmm.. rileks, tido, main ngan hanaa, tuka pampers hanaa, dukong hanaa nangis, makan, tengok tv, main ngan hanaa, surf tenet sekali-sekali… online YM, tapi bile cuti ni semua orang offline. Apesal? kat umah ngak ade internet ka kawan2? ke sibuk sgt enjoy cuti… huhu.

Actually, banyak kerja yang patut disiapkan.. tetapi (kwang kwang kwang..) aku lagi ngak ada laptop sih… ngak best la buat kerja guna komputer lain. Tak best! Tapi… naik cuti ni banyak je assignment due. So nak tak nak, I’ll try la to start doing my works. Huhu.. hopefully!

Macam-macam hal berlaku kat umah ni..

Last Saturday my cousin got married. He’s 22. Our house became the ‘host’ for the groom before berangkat ke umah pengantin pempuan. So, my house agak serabut dan bersepah la last weekend. My house kecik sangat but despite that, selalu je family gathering kat sini. I feel so serabut sometimes.. but org lain macam tak kesah je… Kenape tak kesah? kecik la umah ni…. kalau ade yang sleep over lagi lah payah.. toilet ngak cukup pepagi bute! kalau just my immediate family pon selalu je rebut2 toilet, apatah lagi ramai2…

Huhu.. nak ulang what my mum always said to my dad “kate je architect.. buat umah orang lain banyak.. tapi umah sendiri tak buat-buat..” huhu… sabojela.. belum ada rezeki…

So, petang tadi before hantar my laptop to the kedai, singgah sebentar kat site convention centre tuh. The infront seriously looked like it was made out of cardboard. I pointed that out to my dad.. Why?? why like that aa abah? huhu.. he said, biasela.. orang suruh buat lain, ade org lain memandai tukar.. macam2 manusia nih, ikut suka sendri.. yang kene my dad jugak.. sabo je la.. tapikan, serious obvious macam cardboard! huhu… tak lawo.. bahagian belakang lagi lawa..

Hehehe… seronoknye duduk rumah! I feel so rileks. Lupakan segala ketensenan di uni… seminggu je… takpe, yg penting I have the break I wanted.. I had a nice long sleep, dah.. Esok, nak ajak mama gi Tebrau City.. shopping la pulak, kan.. dah rileks brape hari, kene panaskan kaki pulak. Hehe..

Hmm… those who wanted to know.. my AP result, not that impressive. I was really down that day because before I got the real result, the coordinator told me a ‘wrong’ result. Really deceiving… dahla infront of many.. agak malu la… she said I got 5 for both Physics..ade ke… lepas dapat result betul2, kenela perbetulkan that fact kat semua.. huhu..

Anyway, my grades are:

Physics C: Mechanics - 4
Physics C: Elec&Magnetism - 4
Calculus BC - 3
Calculus AB - 5

What the grade means according to the slip..
5- extremely well qualified
4- well qualified
3- qualified
2- probably qualified
1- no recommendation

Enough about AP. Now, marilah kite bersama-sama berdoa semoga I get a place at (at ke in?) Uni of Melb!

Oh, agak happy hari ni, coz Hanaa comel.. and abah belikan external dvd writer. Thank you so much!

Thank You Allah for today.. Thank You Allah for everything.

(Huhu, aku rileks sangat sampai rase guilty…… mane bleh rilek-rilek cik adik oi.. keje berlambak-lambak.. masalah masyarakat banyak utk difikirkan penyelesaian…… waaaaaaa)

My programme coordinator told me my AP result….

Let’s sing ..
Laugh it off and let it go..
When u wake up it will seem so yesterday…
Haven’t you heard that I’m gonna be okay…

Hmm… I’m feeling down.

But I’m gonna be okay…

I’ll sleep and forget how I feel…

This is crap and I know I shouldn’t feel like this.

I should be grateful.

Let’s look back what I’ve written months ago…

Maybe because I don’t know how ‘well’ I did in the exam. I’ll react to this whole situation after I receive the result. Only at that time I can cry or scream or just redha… Right now, I really am emotionless… maybe just geram to some people.. but that’s that. So people.. just wait till I receive the result… the third week of July. Then I can tell how I really feel…. –> May 6, 2006

So now I’m telling you, I feel sad. Sad. Sad. Sad.

Nevertheless, I am grateful the result is not that bad.. not as bad as what I got in my dreams..
But why am I feeling sad?

Ya Allah, pacify my feelings… Ya Allah, I thank You for all the ni’mat you gave me…. I know I don’t deserve this.. Ya Allah, I’m ungrateful… ampuni aku…. ampuni aku….

No more shocking news this week, please… hopefully. I’m quite tired. Brain is confused on how to react.

I’m going home tomorrow. I want to have a nice long sleep. This week is rough (yeke?). I am not feeling so well.. got cough and headache.. n sakit sendi. Nyamuk banyak dalam bilik! Janganla demam….

All my siblings are obsessed.. ekekeke.. including me la.. –> Hanaa’ all da way.

Anyway, my mind isn’t functioning so well… now I’m having mixed feelings. I feel like laughing.. and crying.
No, not because I’m bipolar (well, maybe.. but that’s different story).. it’s just because everything that’s happening around me right now.

Today is August the 21st. Al-Quds day… what can I do for you, oh Al-Quds…. People around me don’t even care… don’t even know. My mistakes…

Today is August the 21st. Siti married Dato’ K… I watched it on TV, the akad nikah. My friend was screaming “Noooo!!! …” . I laughed… Siti made me reconfirm the fact that all artists are typical… pandang harta n pangkat… okay, maybe that’s really love… but she never did consider laypeople kan…. (what ever la.. even I pun cannot understand what I’m trying to convey).

Today is August the 21st. I received such shocking news from one of my friend…. it still doesn’t make any sense…. I still cannot accept it, tau… I can’t believe it, not yet.

Today is August the 21st. Tomorrow is August 22nd… My older sis, Uswah’s birthday… Happy Becoming Birthday!

Today is August the 21st. Yesterday, August 2oth, I found out that my blood group is O! I am actually very very glad. All these while I thought I’m A. Just when I was so happy, one of my friend said “Eleh mai, sebenarnye doc tak gune pun darah o utk semua patient.. ditakuti tak sesuai.. so O utk O.. A utk A n so on.. blood group B yang kekurangan skrg ni.. I ni B tau!! hehehe” (dialog diubah sket2 tapi maksud same la yer). But I don’t mind that.. I still am very very glad I am from the O group. Abah smsed me “Tahniah sbb ikut abah -yeye!”. Hihihi… but anyway, I couldnt donate my blood yesterday because they found out I had once lived in the UK… I really really want to try to donate my blood… I wanna try in JB, la.. hopefully they don’t ask about UK next time.

Oh, I cannot think straight. Headache pulak…. words pun messed-up.

4 days before I’m home again! yay!

Washing cars is tiring. Today we washed 5 cars and 2 motorcycles. Hmm, sounds so ’sikit’ but believe me it was tiring! I was planning to sleep but couldn’t. So tired…

Ni gambo last week… on Saturday, byk kereta! satu je pic coz malas nak upload. Today I forgot to take pictures..

Actually I was planning to make an entry about my little cousins. They are so cute. You see, I have so many cousins, 40 on my dad’s side, 50 on my mum’s side. Maybe more.. I’m not updated. Haha, bile tercampak kat sini, serius macam katak bawah tempurung, tetibe je ade berita this auntie bersalin, this auntie mengandung, cousin kawen, cousin dapat anak! huhu… selalu je terkejut like “haa?? bersalin? bile mase makcik so and so mengandung pulak??”… and my sis at home selalu je men’jeles’kan diri ini “Munah, hari tu gi umah this auntie, baby comeeeel sgt…”.. I cannot imagine how more ‘katak bawah tempurung’ I will be overseas…

Haha, but after Hanaa’ was born, my enthusiasm towards others’ babies dah berkurang. But that doesn’t mean I dah tak kesah.. I love babies!! especially yang gemok-gemok and montel-montel. Sedap utk didukung and dipeluk. My term for this kind of baby is.. Mantap! Hanaa’ masih belum cukup mantap.. huhu.. boleh ada harapan lebih montel.

Maha besar Allah jadikan babies comel-comel belaka… supaya senang disayang, kan? I think, org yang buang anak tu, mmg dah takde perasaan… selfish… kejam…

My little cousins…

Ah.. dah lame tak balik kampung…

So, today we submitted the application forms. I applied to 5 australian universities;

Haha, seriously… I decided on UNSW n UQ spontaneously. I was never thinking of applying to UQ because of a stupid reason; the climate. But then, just now in class, after considering my results and all… I completed the form, and submitted it. I just didn’t want to think anymore. So, I didn’t submit Uni of Sydney and Adelaide forms…. regret??? hmm.. not really.

Right now I am so worried, because I haven’t received my AP result yet. If I didn’t get the result, I have no chance of going to Uni of Melb. (yes, the representative said so). I want my result! I don’t care anymore how much I get, I just want the transcript, photostate it and mail it to IDP. So that at least I have some hope.. on Uni of Melb. Oh, I will be very dissapointed… very-very-very dissapointed…. yela, after all the troubles that I went through when I sat for the AP.

Ya Allah, permudahkanlah segalanya…
——————————————————

Anyway, the car wash last week went very-very well! We washed 9 cars and 2 motorcycles on Saturday.. and 4 cars, 5 vans (!!!), and 2 motorcycles on Sunday!. What an great improvement! But of course, we were sooooo tired!. Actually I didn’t come on Sunday. They said washing vans were most tiring. Poor them. I felt bad about leaving them doing the car wash without me.. hehe.. It’s ok! This week I’ll work superhard! InsyaAllah. Give me strength…

(i need more strength.. huhu.. to do the laundry yg byk.. haha. malasnye)

Nak balik umah… and tidur dengan lena….and makan sedap-sedap… and rilek-rilek… huhu.. tapi mane bleh hidup rilek.. dah tade mase untuk rehat….. ganbatte kudasai!

I miss home… I miss my parents… I miss my siblings… I miss Hanaa’… I miss my mum’s cooking… I miss dinner with all the members of the family… I miss the laughter… I miss the story… I miss my bed…I miss my parents’ cozy bedroom… I miss the living room… I miss my hometown… I miss driving in the neighbourhood… I miss Angsana,a shopping mall I’m most familiar with… I miss my school… I miss my teachers… I miss my friends.

.. I wish I can have a nice long break when I can take my own sweet time enjoying all these all over again….

I miss balik kampung gathering and meet all the aunties/uncles and ‘most-importantly’ all the adorable baby cousins! I miss them…

and I’m not outta Malaysia, yet…. unbelievable me.

Home again, in two weeks time !!!!!

Oh, how I miss everything.

I so cannot control my eating habit la.
Just now we went to Alamanda… and I bought 2 pretzels, n one rotiboy.
And at the supermarket I bought WantWant rice crackers (sedap giler!), n sunflower kernels (sedap gak!) and Dahfa dried fish fillet (sdapppp!). Everything is snack! huhu. How can I be healthy? I cannot stop eating them… yela, all of them are easy to consume..i mean, not messy at all. So can eat at any time while doing anything. Right now I’m eating the rice crackers.. Apela, we are supposed to be moderate in eating… byk nye snack!!!

and … oh! how easy my money vanished!

Actually the main reason we went there is to take passport-sized pictures. Well, for me it turned out ugly! huhu.. I never like taking this kind of photo. They seldomly turn out well for me. Well, maybe I really look like that in real life… haha. But then, digi cam pics are different. And I hate passport-sized photo.. all my parut and jerawat are so visible…. haha. And I looked dark… And so chubby la.. (yela.. have to accept the fact that I’m montel la.. ). Uh, I just looked really weird in that pic… nuff said. Oh, tudung tak betul.. hihihi.

Uh oh.. post-eating sickness.. sakit perut! huhu.

Application matter…

I have 6 forms in my hand right now. But we are only allowed to apply to 5 universities. And I haven’t make up my mind yet, which university I should not apply to… confused gak ni. The problem is, I haven’t received my AP result yet! and without AP, uni of melbourne amat tipis harapan… they want AP results…

hmmm…deviation:

I am soooo not good in PR. Cane ni?? tak reti nak berurusan dgn org. Tak reti nak mengayat… haha. n tak reti nak wat keje… I’m not good at this. Why can’t people see that? and let me do something else, pls. Huhu.

As a daie, we have to be really good in approaching people… but I am just not good. I think my ability is in different area… if a person doesn’t have a good skills in this area, shud he practice it? i mean, ,mmg kene ke? kalau dah tak reti takkan nak pakse2? dah try dah pon.

n.. dlm dunia ni ade pelbagai bidang… n ramai manusia… bukan ke kite ni ramai utk saling lengkap melengkapi.. I mean, kalau i tak reti, jgn pakse sgt… i know myself better..

hapela aku ngarut…

online petition, muslims in malaysia who haven’t submit their name, pls do so. At this site also got some intersting articles.. I just read one from a muslim revert, Yusuf yates or something. http://myislamnetwork.net

Alhamdulillah, today is my 4th day of fasting in the Rejab month. Oh, it’s already 14th Rejab… I hope I can at least fast on Monday and Thursday. But today was quite challenging… hihi. I didn’t sahur… as the consequence, I suffered from a very painful headache since morning… I was dehidrated I guess.

Good thing today we had no classes. So I just relaxed on my bed… watching drama. Wait a minute! Maybe that drama was the actual cause of my headache… You see, it is a korean drama. So, amat berbelit2 and tensi! asik terpisah…bahagia sekejap.. terpisah lagi… pastu byk pendam je perasaan.. pastu story line agak slow…20 something episodes!!. Last2 hero mati.. wakaka… (I’m not telling the title of the drama in case anyone wants to watch it.. and terspoilt… hihi)

Today was quite dissapointing. Customers who have pledged still didn’t turn up. Takpe2.

Today we only wash a car and 3 motorcycle… hopefully, next week will be much-much better because next saturday is a working saturday n got Karnival sukan…