mkderwish…

Do you think yawning is contagious? Bestnye kalau rajin pun contagious..

—-

Nak fokus. Nak jawab exam dengan tenang. To be able to feel that I have work hard enough.

To be able to whisper “Bismillahi tawakkaltu alallah..” dengan rasa redha whatever the outcomes may be…

If I don’t work hard, I won’t be able to feel that..

Semoga masa yang tersisa diberkati-Nya..

(Take me away from this computer!!)

Yesterday was a disaster. Okay, can’t say that. Yesterday was full with lessons. Lessons that I had to learn the hard way!

Semalam aku cadang untuk shopping barang dapur. Ayam dah habis dan aku kene masak hari ni. Barang-barang lain pun banyak dah habis. Rancang-rancang nak pergi Brunswick for halal meats dan ke ALDI store afterwards utk barang-barang keperluan yang murah (relatively, of course!).

So, habis kelas kol 1, aku terus ambil tram dari uni untuk ke Brunswick, rancang untuk solat zuhur kat sane je sebab ada tempat solat yang selesa dan memandangkan franktate pun dah takde (tau ade lagi tp tgh construction dan agak creepy).

Okay, naik tram, duduk depan sekali. Tepi aku ada makcik tua. Macam muslim tapi aku tak pasti sebab dia pakai skarf ikat leher dan nampak jambul.

Tram jalan.. berhenti satu stop. Makcik dalam lingkungan 40-an naik. Dia pakai tongkat orang patah kaki tu dan leher dia berbalut. Macam cedera accident. Dia duduk berhadapan dengan aku.

Tram jalan lagi dan stop di stop 22. Aku nak turun stop 25. Ada orang nak naik. Tiba-tiba aku nampak orang tu bawak anjing.

“Alamak, anjing!”

aku mula betul2 kan duduk aku kat tempat aku. Fikiran aku masa tu hanya fikir biarlah orang dan anjing tu lalu cepat, tak kena aku, kat belakang banyak lagi seat (aku rasa). Terfikir juga,

“Boleh ke anjing bawak naik tram? setau aku, pets are not allowed”

.. seriously aku tak tengok atas langsung.. mata aku hanya tumpu kat anjing tu..

“cepat la lalu!, cepat la lalu!”

tapi dia macam stuck kat depan tu dan makin lama makin dekat ngan aku.. aku cuak.. nak dekat kena aku, aku terblurt out

“no! I’m allergic to dogs!” tak tau where did that come from!

mata aku masih tumpu kat anjing tu.. “Oh, I’m sorry” Aku terdengar pemilik tu cakap..
tiba-tiba makcik sebelah aku kata “what are you doing? what were you thinking?!”

aku buat muka kesian..oh, aku tak bermaksud “I’m allergic to dogs..” aku ingat makcik tu nak marah aku, telling me that it’s okay as muslims to be touched by dogs.. aku tau tu.. tak tau apa aku fikir..

“What? He cannot see! what were you thinking?” apekah itu yang aku dengar? “What?”

“He cannot see!” apekah? aku pandang atas.. dush.. ternampak muka pakcik tu.. he’s blind. He’s blind! Ya Allah!

Kedaaan macam serabut sikit kat depan tu, becoz ruang agak kecik dalam tram dan pakcik tu actually tgh carik tempat duduk yang paling dekat.. dan aku, tak perasan! aku terlalu tumpu kat anjing tu..

yang buat aku lagi nak nangis, makcik yang pakai crutches ngan neck support tu yang bangun dan bagi tempat kat pakcik tu.. actually banyak je tempat kat situ dan makcik tu tuka tempat aje. Tapi still.. pakcik tu buta, seharusnya dia mmg nak duduk tempat paling dekat la kan..

“You should give him your seat!” makcik tua sebelah aku cakap lagi..

aku rasa bersalah, berdosa tahap nak amnesia boleh tak?

“I’m sorry! oh.. I’m sorry I didn’t notice!” aku pandang makcik pakai crutches tu, dia senyum dan cakap “It’s okay” .. pakcik buta tu pun angguk-angguk aje..

“Oh… I’m sorry!! I didn’t notice!” Ya Allah, ape aku dah buat?? Ya Allah, aku dah buat ape? Ya Allah, aku berdosa! Ya Allah, aku salah! Ya Allah, apa aku dah buat?

Makcik tua sebelah aku hanya geleng-geleng kepala.. aku rasa nak nangis. “I’m sorry… I didn’t notice…Oh, I feel so bad!”

“You’re too young to understand.. too young to understand” Dush!! ambik ko. Makcik tu cakap kat aku gitu.. huhuhuh..

Stop aku dah sampai… waaa.. aku rasa dunia macam gelap gak la.. “I’m sorry!”.. aku turun.. terus tuju prayer room.. solat zohor, aku nangis, “Ya Allah, ampuni aku.. aku lalai.. aku tak tahu apa.. how ignorant I am.. how ignorant I am!”

Bila nak baca surah untuk rakaat satu dan dua.. aku stuck.. terlintas nak baca duha spontaneously, tapi aku rasa tak layak dapat alleviation gitu.. I felt like I should be punished.. I should be punished. I felt so guilty…..

Ampuni aku.. how ignorant I am…

Peristiwa ni, mesti aku takkan dapat lupa..
buat aku fikir ttg fokus kita sbg seorang muslim.. risau sangat dengan benda2 kecil… cis anjing je pun!
buat aku fikir cara kita membawa perwatakan seorang muslim.. like my friend said, “we’re muslims on display..” without we realize it, people judge us.. it cannot be helped. Aku rasa amat bersalah.. aku dah mencacatkan pandangan orang terhadap Islam, somehow.
buat aku fikir tentang macam-macam..
I shouldn’t have lied.. cakap je lah takut ngan anjing kot ye pon.. that’s a fact. Never never never ever resort to lie even niat baik. Kalau boleh elak tipu, elak!
And, buat aku fikir, how important for us to be very very very rational, even in a very dire situation, even when we only have split seconds to make any decision.. waaa…
how important for us to aware of our surroundings..
how important for us to rationalize the situation.. why there’s dog in a tram in the first place? selain service dogs, takleh naik tram, cik mai oi!

sampai sekarang aku rasa bersalah… sampai bila-bila..
rasa fobia and trauma nak naik tram pun ada..
trauma nak gi brusnwick lagi.. huhu

lain kali nak naik tram, dok tengah-tengah sikit.. sebab makcik dan pakcik tua selalu naik dari depan.. huhu…

—-

semalam, aku masak.. pun tak jadik. nak masak sup, terjadi ayam kurma.. apekah… kesilapan teknikal.

pastu semalam, tensi gak fikir pasal rumah.. we’re going to move out… macam-macam benda yang buat aku pening.

jangan la jadi macam aku.. biarlah aku je yang kene (peristiwa tram itu).. lain kali naik tram, tengok-tengok sikit surroundings, k.. rational sikit… aaah.. still feel bad.. huhu..

first paper is exactly in 2 weeks time.. lots to cover.

Ya Allah, beri aku keberkatan waktu..

positif! positif!

can’t wait to be home~

The sentence “You are 20″ still doesn’t make any sense, thank you.

—-

These past few days, since the end of Ramadhan, I felt empty. Like, I’ve become a robot. Oh, I had to do this, so I did it. Oh, I had to finish that, so I did that. Lack of feeling. If you know what I mean.

And I miss ‘it’ so much.

Rindu yang teramat dengan perasaan itu. Bukan perasaan. Realiti itu. Realiti yang aku rasa sepanjang Ramadhan. Dan ia pergi … dan ianya salah aku. Macam aku yang menghalau ia pergi. Tanpa aku sedari. Atau, aku separa sedar. Ia datang menghenyak-henyak… dan aku tepis sikit, sikit… tapi keluar habis semua… jangan tinggalkan aku!

Ya Allah.. aku ingin kembali… sangat sangat sangat nak balik!

Allahumma fighrli..

dan bila hati ini kosong, perasaan yang usang kembali nak menyusup.. senyap dan licik!
mula-mula hati ikut iramanya, seronok, macam jumpa kawan lama…
you know that feeling…
tapi, fitrah ciptaan-Nya, hanya nak Dia dan hanya kenal Dia…

Ya Allah, aku nak kembali…

Allahumma fighrli..

—–

Dosa apakah..
yang menutup mata?
tulikan telinga?
mengaburi minda?
menipu jiwa?

—–

Oh, ini kah hikmahnya?

HIKMAH …

—–

I’ve been neglecting people.

Messages unreplied. SMS, YM, emails..
Blogs read, but didn’t leave any comments..

My mobilephone’s credit amat banyak sekali because the low frequency of sending/replying sms and calling people up.

Alasan? ……

I can’t say anything worth saying, but I’m sorry.

I don’t know how to start! I don’t exactly sure either how to describe..

Anyway, thank you so much to all my friends, for the surprise yesterday. Although I kinda had suspected something fishy was going on.. but it was still something that I appreciate so much. One of the memorable days…

Truthfully, I didn’t know how to react. I’m so not good when it comes to reacting. If anyone remember the event last year, when I had to sit for the wrong paper in AP exam. People kept asking me how I felt, and they were bewildered because I said I didn’t know.. just sit je la the exam…

sorry, saye ni lambat sikit. but that doesn’t mean I’m not happy.. thanks so much.. before this, I never really celebrate my birthday. I even said to myself, so often, that I didn’t care. Birthday is just an ordinary day. But it’s the thoughts that count. Not so much for the birthday. It’s the thought that counts..

home-made cake tuh.. terharu seh..

I love u all too….
Only He knows how I really feel inside.. and no matter how hard I try to describe how I felt that night, I can never really tell…
Tak kesah lah ape yang korang bagi.. it’s the thought that counts…

Semoga kita bertemu kembali di syurga…
—–

from a sister of mine.. sister in islam =)

Selamat lahir ke dunia ini wahai teman
Tarikhlah nafasmu
Nikmatilah kesegaran semesta
Pasanglah telingamu
Hayatilah bunyian merdu mergastua
Kemudian bukalah matamu
Kagumilah kebesaran Maha Pencipta
Lagu ceria alunan seisi semesta
Meraikan detik bersejarah kelahiranmu

Selamat lahir ke dunia ini wahai teman
Untung sekali,
Antara sekian ribuan kau jadi pilihan
Hargailah tiap saat kehidupan penuh bermakna ini
Jangan sekali-kali kau berpaling dari kebenaran
Justeru untuk kembali kepada kebinasaan
Kerana kelahiran sebenar adalah bersama islam
Sedang kecenderungan pada jahiliyyah
Adalah petanda jelas kematian.

I feel like I’ve been hiding. Or I’m in hiding. Either way I feel like I’m so far away. It’s my own fault.

I’m sorry for not keeping in touch. I miss all of you terribly.

Thanks for still remembering my birthday. Means you remember me.

I miss every single person who message-ed me and wished for me.

I miss all those moments. Moments…

things will never be the same.

—

I’m 20.

Mama and abah.. hanya Allah yang dapat membalas kesabaran mama dan abah.. 20 years of having me as a daughter. Oh, years and years with all of us.. from Suhaib to Hanaa. 11 children, all with different characters. Oh, that needs ’sabar luar biasa!’ ..

Semoga kita semua disatukan juga di syurga nanti… InsyaAllah.

Luv u both so much.

Thank you, for your patience. I can still vividly remember those moments. When I rebelled (I’m soooo sorry, a very bad daughter I was, am..) .. when I was sick.. the first day of school, all moments of my life…

Thanks for naming me with my name. For I feel blessed all these while.. I’m sorry for saying ‘I hate this name! why did u choose this name?’ years ago. I can’t imagine having any other name beside this one. I’m Maimunah for 20 years already… mati dengan nama ini.. hidup di akhirat dengan nama ini…

I’m 20. Doakan usiaku diberkati…

——

Hidup mesti terus. Jangan bermalas-malasan. For malaikat maut visits us 70 times a day.

Ya Allah, lapangkan dadaku.. terasa sempit.

Aku ingin kembali…

kerana,

habis ramadhan, aku rasa macam mati…

or, memang mati…

rabbana la tuzik qulubana ba’da izhadaitana..

beri aku cahaya tiap penjuru!

allahumma fighrli

Eid mubarak!

Alhamdulillahi rabbi alamin..

Oh, sudah merasa juga saya raya di perantauan. Heh. Okla.. takdela rase sedey sgt tak dapat beraya kat Malaysia (I didn’t cry, okay, when teringat family and when I called). Kat sini best gak. Kami berusaha memeriahkan aidilfitri. Ada rendang, ada lodeh, ada kuah kacang, ada nasi impit (nasik kotak.. hehe.. teringat hayat n nuha somehow), ada kuih raya, ada bubble tea .. heh. Semua pakai baju raya… cuma takde duit raya je.. tapi dapat hadiah! heh.. ade sesi tuka-tuka hadiah gak. Dan yang paling penting dan digemari ramai, sesi posing.

Kullu am wa antunna bil khair!

Cumanya… I couldn’t help but feel like diri ini tak layak nak sambut aidilfitri dengan rasa kemenangan.. I know, kite kene la sambut dengan rasa begitu.. yang setelah sebulan kita ramadhan.. n all the stuff that we did.. but.. I feel like I haven’t done enough and tak dpt nak rasa menang tu… tapi, InsyaAllah, ada la benda yang dapat dicapai. Dapat diubah. Dapat dirasa. Harapnya terus istiqamah. Tak henti when Ramadhan ended. Ada sesape nak kongsi? Harapnya semua amalan2 yang dilakukan diterima-Nya. Taknak ia hanya seperti debu-debu berterbangan.. banyak tapi takda makna…

but surely, Allah has given me such a wonderful gift this Ramadhan.. DIA Al-lathif.. halus sungguh cara Allah menunjukkan kasih sayang-Nya kepada kita.. halus sungguh bentuk teguran Allah pada kita… Subhanallah walhamdulillah. When I ask for one thing, You give me lots and lots.. when I ask for lots and lots, You give me lots and lots and lots and lots, always beyond what I expected. Ya Lathif… Alhamdulillah.

How wonderful is His plan for us. How wonderful. Bila benda-benda yang terjadi months or years ago, baru sekarang tiba-tiba ternampak hikmahnya… oh, terbatasnya kita. Kadang-kadang benda2 yang amat kecik. Yang kita tak terfikir pun akan bawa kesan dulu… somehow the pieces come together and form a very very very beautiful work of art. There is no coincidence in this life. Allah plans all.

Salam perantauan dari bumi Melbourne =) …

ICV, 1 Syawal 1428 H.. beratur ikut warna baju raya.. heh.

Taqaballallah minna wa minkum, taqabbal ya Kareem..

Teringat nasyid zaman dulu-dulu.. sape tau angkat tangan!

tak ingat da.. lagu antik sangat… huhu

——-

Oh, Exam’s in 3 weeks time.. so much to cover.. huhu…
I’ll have 2 tests next week. Physics on Wednesday and Philosophy on Thursday,

May you all find physics interesting after watching this video! hehe.. this is one of the topics covered this semester.

My lecturer ended that day’s lecture with this statement “The question is not what is wave, or what is matter? but the question is, what the hell is everything?”

Oh, sungguh luas ilmu Allah… Subhanallah.. Kita masih tak tau apa…

30 Ramadhan 1428.

Langit menangis. Sejak semalam ia mendung, nangis sikit-sikit. Tapi tadi ia benar-benar menangis… sekarang dah reda sikit.

Aku pun.. kami pun..

Wahai alam.. kamu pun sedih juga ke?

Allahumma balighna ramadhan 1429, dalam keadaan islam, iman dan bersedia untuk meningkatkan lagi ketaqwaan..

Rabbana taqabal minna … taqabal minna … (Wahai Tuhan kami, terima lah dari kami.. terimalah dari kami..)

Ilal liqa’ … (sampai jumpa lagi..) InsyaAllah.

Allahumma firghli..

Masa kecik, perasan ada ayat ni kat dinding umah di kampung sungai pulai. Besar kat dinding. Ditulis dengan khat yang lawa. Mama kate tu atuk yek yang tulis. Dari dulu tertanya-tanya apa ye maksudnya? banyak kali gak rasenye tanye nenek or mama. Tapi yang pasti aku tak pernah ingat. Tak lekat kat otak…

Bila tilawah baru-baru ni, baru terperasan ayat ni sebenarnya adalah sebahagian dari ayat-ayat dalam al-quran kareem..
Surah An-Naml, ayat 40… ini adalah apa yang diucapkan Nabi Sulaiman a.s… ada hikmahnya kenapa baru skrg aku faham betul-betul maksudnya apa.. bila dah kenal dunia dan faham dan pandai berfikir.. this is the time yang baru boleh appreciate ayat ni….

“Ini adalah kurnia dari Tuhanku, untuk mengujiku, apakah aku bersyukur atau mengingkari nikmat-Nya”

Indeed.. semua ini, rezeki ini, kesenangan ini, jangan ingat adalah kesenangan yang diberi saja-saja… takutnya terkufur nikmat.. bukan senang-senang nak sedar sebenarnya kita ter, terperasan yang something kita dapat adalah sebab kita ‘hebat’..
nauzubillah min semua perasaan-perasaan yang tak patut kita rasa…

nak jadi hamba yang bersyukur, dan zuhud..

Alhamdulillah… Alhamdulillah.. Alhamdulillah…

Sebenarnya amat rasa bahagia dengan apa yang Allah bagi kat aku. A whole family (bukan setakat immediate family aje) yang amat-amat best… dan aku pun dibesarkan dalam suasana yang amat soleh berbanding ramai yang lain…

don’t want to take all these for granted..

Banyaknyaaaa kurnia Allah buat aku! tapi kenapa susah sangat nak bersyukur dengan sebenar-benar syukur?

—-

Ramadhan is going to end very soon… less than 48 hours away.. less than 24 hours for those who celebrate it on Friday. (We’re celebrating eid on Saturday).

Sungguh … sayang.

Ramadhan kali ni, lain dari ramadhan2 before dalam banyaaak segi.

Sungguh… sayang.

Tak semangat langsung nak raya. Banyak faktor. Terutamanya family. Terutamanya ketidakpuasan hati terhadap prestasi spjng ramadhan. Ditambah lagi tengah nak dekat exam… bercampur-baur…

Sungguh… sayang.

Semoga kita ‘graduate’ dari ramadhan dengan ciri-ciri orang yang bertaqwa..sebagaimana yang sepatutnya dicapai dengan puasa…. semoga dapat me’ramadhan’kan seluruh hidup kita selepas ini…

Ya Allah, baligni ramadhan 1429 =) but you know best …

…

taqabballallah minna wa minkum

Do you have any classes after this?

Yup, at 11. Now I have an hour break! Yay.

Oh, so what are you going to do?

I’m going to the prayer room. Want to try to catch some sleep! hehe..

Oh, when you’re supposed to pray is it?

Oh, no no.. it’s not the time yet.

Ah, I see. So when is the time?

Well, we have to do the prayers 5 times a day. Once early in the morning and the next one for today will be around lunch time.

Wow. Are there many people doing it?

Eh, of course. It’s compulsory.

I know.. but we are all busy and stuff. How do you all manage to do all those prayers between lectures and there are lots of work to do!

Well, it’s not a problem at all. We are all used to it. In my case, I have arranged my timetable so that I have times for prayers.

Oh, wow! that’s very good. You’re so organized!

eh..

—-

Beautiful right? I never really realized it. This fact has always been mentioned but I never really feel it. But now I realize it. Intentionally or not, if we adhere to all that Allah prescribed for us to do, we will be a very good person. Disciplined. Organized.

We are all Muslims. Muslim. Salim. We submit and obey Allah.

Why there are so many of us while admit being a Muslim, they choose to lead a different ‘lifestyle’? What they choose may seem the best way. The ‘liberated’ way. That’s only the way it seems to be while the reality,that is not usually the case.

Allah has prepared for us Muslims the most ideal way to live… it’s all has been revealed to us. We have it. The quran, the hadiths. Don’t burden yourself to search for any other so-called alternatives. This is the way. The only way. And it’s beautiful and sweeeet =).

Right now it’s 6.53 am.
But it feels like 8 o’clock. Terang-benderang sudah.

Hmm. It comes again.

There are lots in my mind. But I don’t know how I should arrange them.

Tuesday philosophy’s tute. Related to this morning tazkirah. Sikit-sikit. When talking about syumul. Yes, almost everyday after subuh in this month of Ramadhan there’ll be a short tazkirah. Kind of a series la jugak. A very good way to start your day.

I didn’t speak up in tute. I have a very low confidence when it comes to speaking up. I’m not fluent. Most of the time, I had many points to say. But after considering my ability to speak fluently, I decided to just stay quite. Well, if they’re talking about science and stuff, about this and that theory, sometimes I did say something. But when it comes to discussing religion, when they were debating about secularism, when they’re talking about ‘de-sacrelization’ of science, I chose to remain silent, although my mind was flooding with things to say… because I’m so afraid I’ll only bring misinterpretation and misconception. Things will get worse. I don’t care if they underestimate me. But I do feel like, no.. I have to say something. I have to … open up to ideas.. what should i do, eh.

Hopefully next time I’ll have more confidence, because I want want want so much to deliver the beauty of Islam to them.

One point - They were so obsessed with science. And how they said they couldn’t progress if science and religion is not separated. Religion limits them. I was thinking.. hey, wait a minute! Science, religion, and everything, are from Him Almighty. This world is so fascinating, that people can sense without much knowledge that there must be a very powerful ’something’ that create it. And that is God. He is so powerful and nothing can beats Him. And everything that comes from Him is perfect. Science. Religion. Then.. if they think their religion limits their progress.. there must be something wrong! I mean, science is His creation! And He know best about everything. He’s perfect. So no matter what, if we have the truth, there’ll be no such thing as secularism! Everything will be less and less of a mess if everyone is Muslim =) . Islam never limits us to do research on the things that He made available to us, that is the earth, the extraterrestrial bodies and everything that we can see and perceive by our 5 senses. In the quran, it is repeatedly said something like “In the creation of the heaven and the earth there are sign for men of understanding” .. means, yes.. by observing and doing research, it will increase our iman.. Our faith, is not a blind faith. He prepared signs.. a lot of signs for us… because that’s the nature of human.. reminds me of the story of prophet Ibrahim when he asked Allah for signs.. and Allah asked him back whether he still doubted the truth.. but Ibrahim answered, “No.. it’s just too strengthen my faith”. (I couldn’t remember which ayat or verse in the quran that tells this story, but it’s in the quran). So, yeah. There’s nothing wrong by looking for signs around us.. everything that He created has its purposes and one of them is as signs for us.

Hmm… it’s about time people realize how stupid and weak we are. (Many scientists are arrogant lots). The more we know, the more we don’t know! They thought they’ve found the answer when talking about the big bang… but many questions arise after that. Came ‘dark matter’ and ‘dark energy’ that we have no idea about! Indeed HE is there. He who created all these fascinating creations. Perfect.

I can’t understand people who live based on other people ideas, based on other people interpretation. After all, we are all human. We can only depends on our observation to generate ideas. People are building up system after system based on their own ideas. Which are very prone to defects since our mind is limited. So limited. We only observe! (Kita melihat.. dari jauh.. boleh bayangkan tak? how if we only perhati, we can’t get much out of something! we need something else!).

We need guide. We need Him. We need the Quran.

.
…

I guess, by now you get the idea what I mean about misconception and misinterpretation? hehe…

I always feel hesitate to post something about science and philosophy here. Because I think .. heh. I have my reasons. So, I won’t usually write like this, kot.

Amat takut menjadi fitnah kepada Islam.

Akan belajar lagi.

Belajar dan terus belajar. From cradle to grave =)