mkderwish…

Are you all afraid?

You should be.

I am.

I am afraid that I am the poison. Poisoning the well.

Ink that spoilt the milk.

without realizing it…

That’s why Ilmu is so important. Not only that… Ilmu with the right fikrah.. not only that.. Ilmu with the right fikrah and amal…

But many don’t care. Follow their heart desire… thinking they are right while they are wrong. Think that they are the most brilliant while actually they are the stupidiest.

I am so afraid I am one of these people…

Nauzubillah min zalik…
Allahumma fakihna fiddin…

………….

Just a thought.. mmm.. not really a thought pon..
Just now I watched “bawang putih bawang merah”, an indonesian drama series… modernized bawang putih bawang merah. (before this Malim Kundang.. ekeke.. jadi batu coz accident ngan lori simen…)
Si bawang merah marah dengan mak die.. sukahati je cakap “Mama munafik! tadi bilang begini! sekarang lain!” Lebei kurang la.. but I was really shocked dengar perkataan munafik tuh.. senang2 ajer ye. Dengan mak die pulak tuh. Well, maybe la kot indonesian dah biase gune that term utk cakap penipu.. but still…..

Anyway, this series’s jalan cerita is exactly the same ngan our lagenda bawang putih bawang merah.. mak tiri bunuh mak betul, n then dera bawang putih (actly name die Alya.. n bwang merah Siska.. lawo pulak tuh dedua). Tapi agak tensen la cerite ni… mane taknye, si heroin (Alya) lemah sangat.. and baik terlampau2. Ngak logikal sih!

……………

I always see others’ flaws..
I see mine, too…
I know my flaws. When I ask people what they don’t like about me, what are my flaws, actually I know and I aware that I did that. Sometimes rase geram.. lagi? ape lagi? I know that.. but other than that? ramai yang just geleng2 je.. same ade betul takde.. or derang rase tak sampai ati nak bagi tau saye (but mane bleh.. I’m trying to improve myself here).

I know the fact that I’m not a good person. Oh, so many things I did…

But I cannot stand people who think they are so good and wara’….

I wonder… when people did something wrong, betul ke derang tak perasan??

———–

I am so jealous of people who can write exactly what they are thinking. I am so jealous of people who can write such structured and beautifully written article… or thoughts.. or even blog entries.. Not just fragments like mine..

My thoughts are scattered.. in pieces. But I have this strong urge to write. But I can’t….

Is it practice or just talent?

Or maybe because of how one’s brain works…

I admit that I can’t concentrate on one thing for long. My thoughts and ideas come and go so quickly. If I didn’t write it this very instant, it wud never come again. And then a lot of blanks…. like right now…
. . . dot dot dot…

Well, this is when ‘draft’ comes in, kan… rangka.. catat dulu everything.. and baru la cantum the pieces together later on.

But, huhu… I write when I feel like too… (uish, ape ni mai? tak paham… )

Anyway, practice and practice and practice.. and of course, read a lot more!

Hoho.. nasib baik tak buat course like literature or language, kan.. I wud fail…
Physics suits me then…HOPEFULLY!

—
Erm, sometimes I just couldn’t help but think that I’m unique…
But then, semua orang pun unique and have different abilities/way of thinking/talents…
So, that makes semua orang normal..
So, I’m normal…
—

Teringat I discussed with my friend about psychological disorder…
Well, everyone has some sort of psychological disorder at some degree…
Mild OCD, mild bipolar, mild anxiety, mild depression, inferiority complex…that creates unique individuals..
As for me, I have mild bipolar kot.. (haha, suka hati je).. yela, senang rase gembira.. n tak asal2 sedih…
Or maybe I’m really a maniac.. sometimes I imagine things…

well.. the conclusion is, kalau semua orang is so normal… tak best la kan.. kalau berkawan pun kite suke kawan ngan orang yang gile-gile sket… memang la bukan gile betul, just that ade traits yang unique… that make a person, a person…

uh, just that, hopefully the psychological disorder tak jadi teruk.. jadi betul kang. I don’t want to be a scizophrenic. Mild-mild sudah la… (uish ape ni again?)

Eh, I’m not a medic student.. so.. ni just cakap-cakap je… just my opinion
—–

So… there goes randomness! Seronoknye….

Ngantok… still got somethings to be done by morning.. We got car wash tomorrow!

In Physics class just now, Mr Joe caught me sleeping.. well, not really.. my eyes were only 3 quarter shut.. I was just planning to completely close my eyes when he shouted my name… Haha, what an embarassement. I was so sleepy in his class, seriously. If it is not because of his extraordinary (i really mean extraordinary, maybe extra terrestrial.. hape aku ngarut ni) jokes, I wud have given up his class long ago.. ngantuk.. ngantuk … ngantuk… I don’t know why. Although he is pretty interesting…. hmmm..

…………………………………..Deviate sebentar……………………………

I wonder if everyone went through the same thing…
I mean, growing up.. thinking…
The denials, the questions that we kept to ourselves…
The arguments within, the uneasiness… that can never be told, even to our closest friend…
The inability to describe some feelings… some abstract thoughts… no matter how hard you try…
The inferiority, the search of comforts in others…
The feeling of loneliness, eventhough you are surrounded by friends…
The denials… the arguments…
The multiple personalities thing…. hypocriteness…
The search for truth… The hunger and thirst of knowing the unknowns…

I wonder…

Am I the only one? surely not….

………………………end of deviation………………………………

oh, so ngantuk,,, i think i’m going to sleep in front of this laptop… zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

12 days before SAT II. It’s not gonna work for me. I’m changing drastically and I know it won’t stay like this for long. The momentum is discretely decreasing. But I’m determined enough not to be affected by it. I’m working hard. I cannot remember if I ever work harder than right now for an exam. InsyaAllah, I’ll excell. Allah is with me and I’ve put in extra efforts. At least, relative to my own efforts, not everyone else. I don’t want to compare myself to others. At least I try. InsyaAllah I’ll succeed. Work hard, pray harder!

My words always contradict…

I haven’t updated much. These days I usually don’t know what to write. I think a lot. A lot that I don’t even know which to write, or whether I really supposed to write it.

I read a lot of Physics in the last few days. Read a lot of calculus…. I gained so much new historical facts on the origin of many laws. This fascinated me. It really does. Physics is no longer boring (well, except for electricity parts… hehe…).

Also, I read some blogs written by cancer patients. And some have even died. I’m not sure how I felt reading them all, but I sure was overwhelmed by the feeling….

When will I die? how….

Aku dah sesuaikan diri di sini… harapnye sesuaikan diri the right way, dengan mengimplement sifat2 baik, tak korbankan prinsip untuk hidup selesa.. InsyaAllah…

Doing preparatory sure is tough. A year more to go…

I’ve learned a lot, academically and philosophically. I’ve grown, into a critical thinker. At least a better thinker that I was before. I was never thinking so seriously when I was in school. I’ve wasted so much time back then. There are lots of books waiting to be read. I guess right now I still waste my time. There are so much knowledge out there… and I, just ignored it…. pity.

InsyaAllah, I’ll be a renown muslim physicist and let the world know the truth…. not just theory anymore.. InsyaAllah.. this sure is a BIG dream, but why not? dare to dream…

“Reach for the stars, for even if you missed, you’ll at least touch the clouds…”

lastly… PHYSICS is fun!! ;p

What a smooth week! And holiday is starting again this Saturday, for 5 days! A smooth week indeed has went by. Selamat Menyambut Hari Raya AidilAdha!

I am motivated. I have to be. But I really am motivated. SAT 2 will be on the 28th January. I am taking only 2 subjects; Physics and Mathematics. Right now I’m having problems with some topics in Physics (Electric and Magnetism, mostly… a topic I hate the most because I just cannot imagine what’s going on) and also many many topics in PreCalculus, mostly polynomials (the factors and all….. also the sooo many complicated theorems),and elipse/hyperbolic functions. Right now, I am regretting the fact that i didnt memorize form 5’s formulas for arithmetic and geometric sequences… because we have to use them a lot. You see, I never memorized formulas, even if I memorized them, I ended up forgetting all. Good things they provided them in the SPM.

So, I need to work hard. We have to learn many of the topics ourselves. Sadly, our math lecturer doesn’t really teach us all these topics. She did, but she is kinda, ‘touch and go’. Most of the boys read the thick and bulky text books. They read!! who the heck reads maths??? but we all got no other choices if we want to understand the maths. Dahlah bahase buku tuh susah… huhu

Mai, gambatte!

Our first semester’s GPA will be known next week… Waaa.. I’m so afraid. I have to get 3.50 or above.. I will get it, InsyaAllah

I just realized, when you are alone, only then you’ll be able to know your own strength, your own need, and you own guts… and only yourself (and Allah) can determine how your life turns out to be…

you may think you survived, but you may not notice something that kills you softly and slowly……..and it maybe too late when you realize it…

you may think you’re doing good alone… but in the end, you’ll always feel a hole within your heart. you know you’re missing something….

Work hard! pray harder!

SAT results….

Reading 560
Math 710
Writing 580 (Essay: 8/12)

Overall marks: 1850

I am dissapointed. Of course my overall mark has improved but my essay was totally discouraging.The October test, I got 10 for my essay. I could have done better. But I didn’t finished my essay. It was so dissapointing. But there’s nothing I can do to change the fact that I got 8 for my essay!! except, resitting the test again, in May. I was aiming for 600 and above for writing…..

Nevertheless, the result I got has fulfill the entry requirements for any universities in Australia. It’s just me.. not satisfied. I can do better, I know.

So, today… holiday has started for me. (Because I’m not taking chemistry and I don’t resit TOEFL; got classes for those who are resitting). My friends and I went to Times Square. Weeeeee! I was happy, alleviated my dissapointment of the SAT results… went through all the rides, except for Space Attack (which I had riden years back and I wasn’t brave enough to try again). I went through the roller coaster, dizzy izzy ride and the ‘centrifugal’ (this term, my friends and I made it up, okay?) twice… and now I got the ‘punishment’.. headache!!!

My brother will fetch me at 10 pm…. at last, holiday!!!!

“War Is Kind” by Stephen Crane

Do not weep, maiden, for war is kind
Because you lover threw wild hands toward the sky
And the affrighted steed ran on alone,
Do not weep
War is kind

Hoarse, booming drums of the regiment,
Little souls who thirst for fight,
These men were born to drill and die.
The unexplained glory flies above them,
Great is the battle-god, great, and his kingdom —
A field where a thousand corpses lie

Do not weep, babe for war is kind.
Because your father tumbled in the yellow trenches,
Raged at his breast, gulped and died,
Do not weep.
War is kind.

Swift blazing flag of the regiment,
Eagle with crest of red and gold,
These men were to drill and die.
Point for them the virtue of slaughter,
Make plain to them the excellence of killing
And a field where a thousand corpses lie.

Mother, whose heart hung humble as a button
On the bright splendid shroud of your son,
Do not weep.
War is kind.

—
I learned this ironic poem in my english class. I felt so so so touched when I read it. Hope you feel the same way too…

Aku amat bertuah… melihat cerita-cerita mereka di luar sana hampir membuat aku menangis. Aku amat bertuah kerana tidak perlu menderita seperti mereka-mereka. Tapi aku tak tahu dek untung… selalu sahaja merungut. Setiap kehidupan ada kesusahan… setiap manusia pasti akan melalui cabaran yang pedih. Mungkin aku masih belum sampai waktu untuk merasainya… Kita selalu sahaja memfokuskan lensa kehidupan kita pada diri kita sahaja. Menyangkakan hanya kita yang paling menderita.. benarkah?

Aku tak boleh fikir seperit mana lagi kesusahan yang bakal aku tempuhi. Tiba-tiba aku rasa takut. Takut menghadapi masa depan, walhal aku tak sabar-sabar mahu pergi dari tempat derita ini…

Life is unfair; and there’s nothing we can do about it
Life is unfair; and there’s always something we can do about it

Hari Raya break is just 10 days away and I cannot wait. My brain is crammed with plans right now. Oh, there are just too many things to do, or rather, just too many people to visit and meet. Just hoping my older brother will just want to relax this holiday so that I can use his car to move around. I don’t think I can afford coming home without seeing my teacher. Now that I have not seen her for almost 3 months… and I don’t think I can afford to hold the burden of guilt because of not meeting my old pals from school either.

I just want to go home, actually. I need a break.

To tell the truth, here I am lost. I cannot recognized myself. There are always dilemma in everything, whenever I have to decide something. Here, I have to stand on my own feet. Frankly, I had always relied on others who I thought were better than me, before… in the past. I feel neither easy nor comfortable for I never know for sure, I am not certain on my decisions. By decisions, I mean, my attitude, my behaviour, my appearance (now I’m too self-concious, not all those make-up fuss, but how people perceive me…if you understand what I mean) and my answers to people of their questions. I feel responsible to help people because I understand they will see me as someone ‘educated’ and someone who were being brought up with islamic values from what I wear. But I am not good. Not good enough. Hence, all the dilemmas I feel. I feel guilty for whatever I did, because I know some people see all my behaviours as the ‘okay’ things to follow. No, it’s not okay at all.

Sometimes it is a fight between searching your true self and stick to the old you. Evidently I’m having a conflict right now and I am confusing myself. I guess, the best thing for me to do is just do what I think is right. But sometimes, there are things that are ambivalent. I, myself, will never be sure wether something is right or wrong, or both (possible?), without anyone who is superior (in term of evaluating things better, according to the Islamic law) to enlighten me.

… and there’s where the gap is obvious. But, hey, I’m not suprised no one beside me realize that.

These couple of days I had some nightmares. Scary dreams. Not about ghost or anything, but about dying. I woke up abruptly at night and I cried. Yesterday I came to realization, maybe this is a sign. Allah is trying to tell me that my time is up. I was so scared. Is is true?

I have always avoided telling people this; I am sick.I am not sure about it. I really am not sure. But everyday I feel pain, in my hands, legs, feet, stomach, and plus headache and feel so tired. The most often is pain in my hands, wrists to be specific. I always nearly-let-go of things that was in my hands. But maybe it’s just me. Maybe there is nothing wrong with me. Maybe I’m just another overweight girl, I have many things to take into consideration before I come to any conclusion.

But I am scared.

When I was a child, (I never tell people this), I always hoped I have some serious illness like cancer or any life-threatening sickness. I thought it was a ‘good’ thing to have because everyone would take care of you and love you,would pay attention to you and never forget you. I was so naive. I had no idea how people have suffered. I had no idea how broken-hearted my parents would be. How sad my good friends would be. I had no idea how it feel to have your life ’shorten’ like that, to know that anytime you could die.

This is so sickening.

Maybe I am wrong. Maybe after months I will laugh when I read this. But this is exactly how I feel right now. I am terrified, so scared that I just want to cry. I don’t know what should I do. There are so many things I want to do if I really am dying. But mostly I want to cry.

This ‘depression’ was added by the essay writing at class this morning. We were discussing essay topics like ’seize every moment’ and ‘live every day as if it were your last’. Then our teacher asked us to write things that we would do if we had only another 5 minutes to live. This was so depressing. I was shaking and nearly bursted into tears. Everyone around me has no idea, no idea how depressed I am right now.

But is it really true? am I really dying, Allah??

Oh Allah, do give me more time… and give me Your nuur and hidaayah..