Alhamdulillah….
Alhamdulillah…
Alhamdulillah…
Thank You Allah for today. Thank You for today….
Kesesakan dan ujian, keserabutan dan gangguan jiwa, are such valuable lessons. Yes, they are so painful for us to endure…. but the many things you gained at the end of the day are priceless.
Alhamdulillah, I am still able to see the bright side of each dark corner…
most importantly, though, I realized my own weaknesses and faults. I am sorry, you know who you are. Thank you for being patient.
But, I am so scared I am deceived…. without me realizing it. You know, you thought you know what is wrong, and that make you happy, but actually you are wrong. You are deceived by your own emotion….
Oh, I am so weak.
Tomorrow InsyaAllah will be better…
Uh… I write this post macam la what I’m going through right now is such a big deal…
(yes…. secretly I think it’s such a big deal………. uh, I don’t understand either…maybe because this serabutness I’m in right now are caused not only by today particular event..macam-macam berlaku… serabutnye…. but it made me realize so many things.. so, yeah… it is a big deal)
Sorry, even I don’t understand….
My programme coordinator told me my AP result….
Let’s sing ..
Laugh it off and let it go..
When u wake up it will seem so yesterday…
Haven’t you heard that I’m gonna be okay…
Hmm… I’m feeling down.
But I’m gonna be okay…
I’ll sleep and forget how I feel…
This is crap and I know I shouldn’t feel like this.
I should be grateful.
Let’s look back what I’ve written months ago…
Maybe because I don’t know how ‘well’ I did in the exam. I’ll react to this whole situation after I receive the result. Only at that time I can cry or scream or just redha… Right now, I really am emotionless… maybe just geram to some people.. but that’s that. So people.. just wait till I receive the result… the third week of July. Then I can tell how I really feel…. –> May 6, 2006
So now I’m telling you, I feel sad. Sad. Sad. Sad.
Nevertheless, I am grateful the result is not that bad.. not as bad as what I got in my dreams..
But why am I feeling sad?
Ya Allah, pacify my feelings… Ya Allah, I thank You for all the ni’mat you gave me…. I know I don’t deserve this.. Ya Allah, I’m ungrateful… ampuni aku…. ampuni aku….
No more shocking news this week, please… hopefully. I’m quite tired. Brain is confused on how to react.
I’m going home tomorrow. I want to have a nice long sleep. This week is rough (yeke?). I am not feeling so well.. got cough and headache.. n sakit sendi. Nyamuk banyak dalam bilik! Janganla demam….
All my siblings are obsessed.. ekekeke.. including me la.. –> Hanaa’ all da way.
Anyway, my mind isn’t functioning so well… now I’m having mixed feelings. I feel like laughing.. and crying.
No, not because I’m bipolar (well, maybe.. but that’s different story).. it’s just because everything that’s happening around me right now.
Today is August the 21st. Al-Quds day… what can I do for you, oh Al-Quds…. People around me don’t even care… don’t even know. My mistakes…
Today is August the 21st. Siti married Dato’ K… I watched it on TV, the akad nikah. My friend was screaming “Noooo!!! …” . I laughed… Siti made me reconfirm the fact that all artists are typical… pandang harta n pangkat… okay, maybe that’s really love… but she never did consider laypeople kan…. (what ever la.. even I pun cannot understand what I’m trying to convey).
Today is August the 21st. I received such shocking news from one of my friend…. it still doesn’t make any sense…. I still cannot accept it, tau… I can’t believe it, not yet.
Today is August the 21st. Tomorrow is August 22nd… My older sis, Uswah’s birthday… Happy Becoming Birthday!
Today is August the 21st. Yesterday, August 2oth, I found out that my blood group is O! I am actually very very glad. All these while I thought I’m A. Just when I was so happy, one of my friend said “Eleh mai, sebenarnye doc tak gune pun darah o utk semua patient.. ditakuti tak sesuai.. so O utk O.. A utk A n so on.. blood group B yang kekurangan skrg ni.. I ni B tau!! hehehe” (dialog diubah sket2 tapi maksud same la yer). But I don’t mind that.. I still am very very glad I am from the O group. Abah smsed me “Tahniah sbb ikut abah -yeye!”. Hihihi… but anyway, I couldnt donate my blood yesterday because they found out I had once lived in the UK… I really really want to try to donate my blood… I wanna try in JB, la.. hopefully they don’t ask about UK next time.
Oh, I cannot think straight. Headache pulak…. words pun messed-up.
4 days before I’m home again! yay!
It’s official… we have to apply for the US…
Hmm.. honestly, I don’t feel anything..
Maybe not yet..
Another reality has just come knocking without my invitation.. argh..
How should one expect me to react??
My cousin, whom I mentioned in the post weeks back, is getting worse. My mum called at aroud 4 pm.. I was sleeping.. Haha.. but she whispered to me.. “Mai, tadikan… ” and she told me what happened at my house just this afternoon… scary…that’s all I can say.. I guess he’ll be staying at the hospital, at least for tonight.
Last night, I dreamt of getting the AP results.. quite dissapointing.. huhuh.. but I said something like “I knew it……” … in my dream, I got only band 2 for Calculus BC, band 4 for Calculus AB… band 4 for both Physics…. I hope my real result will be much much much better.. Oh Allah, help me…. (but then, if I’m not going to Melbourne, I shouldn’t be bothered…. waaaaaa… I wanna go to Melbourne…)
Today, I feel guilty… maybe because I procrastinated… all my works for this week (only) have been done..but…… I spent quite sometime on watching dramas.. huhu.. wasted time… I can do a lot more works… which datelines are not so near yet…. at least don’t have to be handed in this week… I feel guilty.. that’s all I wanna say.. haha..
I wanna go back this weekend.. I dun care!!
I’m tired of all these.. fed up..
I need a break ..
Where’d you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it’s been forever,
That you’ve been gone.
Where’d you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it’s been forever,
That you’ve been gone,
Please come back home….
So sad, this song …
The feeling comes again.. fed up. Maybe because it’s holiday. So there are least things to make me feel tense. Or maybe, because it’s holiday. So, the things that make me tense supposed to be decreased. But it doesn’t happen. I’m not making any sense…..
Imagine, you woke up in the middle of the night… heard a shrieking laugh, from the toilet… for at least half an hour…
Imagine, a ‘fried rice’, with all herbs and spices in it, with grapes, with slices of mango (even the outer layer), with macaroni, with serai…over-cooked… and also, fried chicken, with cheese, and eggs and nestum…
Imagine, your kitchen being cleaned, but everything is thrown into the rubbish bin, including medications that your doctor prescribed to you just a night before… and you being scolded because you took them back..
Am I exaggerating? Am I overreacted? actually.. I don’t react at all… I’m ignorant… I’m IGNORANT! I cannot help but act ignorant.. I’m not so patient.. I hate it when I cannot be patient.
Patience… Actually I’m not patient.. but I pretend ….
“Mai, thank you… I learnt about patience from you….” I felt like laughing when I heard that. Yes, a person said that to me.. Apparently, she was surprised to know how patient I am .. I was laughing, inside…
Patience… I hope I can have that for real. Ya Allah, give me patience…for real …
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I will help tutoring a form 3 girl for this remaining holiday of hers. just 3 days.. I will get pocket money 
Alhamdulillah, rezeki jgn ditolak.. mak die pujuk me..kinda funny .. but I have no problem at all.. kalau tak dapat duit pun takpe.. It can be my training!
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Mixed feelings… again…
Somehow, my plan screwed up. But don’t worry, 3 weeks left before time’s up, Mai…
But, this holiday, I don’t have much time to think about it seriously.. no time to worry..
So, don’t bother to worry!!!! but I don’t have any other time….
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She’s getting better …
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I am afraid of the end. The abrupt end. Tsunami, earthquake, landslide, traffic accident, bombing, hurricane, gun shot, anything! Without warning they cause our death… These couple of days, I imagine things… I don’t know why. I’m scared. I have sinned a lot… I don’t want sudden death.. Help me, Allah… Allahumma amitna bil imaan.. waadkhil jannata maal imaan…
“I was born to be a good muslim, but I’m afraid I’ll die in a body full of sins… I know the truth and behold to it, but I never want to deepen my interest in it…..”
I wrote that when I was in form 4. Or form 5. I forgot.
I hope, Allah gives me warning before my time comes… of course, we have to be prepared at every time.. but I hope I get the sign…
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I always think I’m crazy.. I’m psychotic… maybe..
It’s in my blood already…
but crazy people won’t say they’re crazy, right?
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I eat a lot! I’m feeling guilty… being unjustice to my body. No discipline… Despite all these, I still eat a lot.. holiday means a lot of foods that I crave for long! I hope I can be more discipline.. or cepat2 balik uniten.. senang sikit nak mendisiplinkan diri..
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Somehow, I cannot wait for the 2nd semester result transcript to arrive…
I hate myself because I feel great I get that kind of result.. I shouldn’t …
Riya’, it’s so hard to escape… Ya Allah, brush this feeling away…
I think it serves me right if I got disasterous result for AP. Once in a while, I should learn how to face failure… How failure feels…
But I don’t want….
Keep reminding myself… All these are not mine… They are Allah’s. How ‘best’ they are.. they are never mine.. so why should I boast around ? I have no right to do that… and I should use them to the fullest.. for Islam..
It’s important for a muslim to stand with excellence in his/her hand…
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There goes unfocused post… I feel kinda messy inside.. This is one of my way to rearrange all my thinking… I haven’t finished.. but I’m tired..It’s 12.36 am.. and I have to wake up early…
I feel like crying …
My aunt will be staying here for a while, until she gets well. My parents have to watch over her, making sure she takes her medicine…
Sigh, just when I got this a month holiday. I guess, I have to be strong and try my best to help. It’s quite cruel of me if I got mad because she’s here. I have to help. I cannot be selfish. It’s an inconvenience but I trust this is one of Allah’s trial for me. Be patient and caring …
She has schizophrenia. It’s scary. Everything concerning her is unpredictable. She always laughs by herself. She laughs only when she’s alone. She got mad at everything. If anything is messy, she will nag and scold everyone she sees. Her face looks scary. All glum and red… her eyes are red… Her cooking, you don’t want to know. She just mixes everything…
I pray to Allah, hope that she’ll recover. She has this sickness since forever. And it comes and goes. Especially when she’s under a lot of stress.
But people, please… she’s not crazy. This is not a type of madness. She’s sick and that’s that. She has a psychological disorder and that’s that. All of us, normal people have to help her. All the stigmatism will only worsen the condition. When she’s okay, she’s very okay! actually, my aunt is a very caring and loving person. Only when the sickness comes, she becomes a bit different.
Her sickness really made me interested in learning psychology and human mind… I like to know various kind of psychological disorders. I read books like ‘I know this much is true’ and ‘Or give me death…’ and watch movies like ‘Girl, Interrupted’ and ‘A beautiful mind’ repeatedly. Human mind is so fascinating….. don’t u think??
Anyway… today I accompanied my mum to the hospital. I watched over Hanaa’ while my mum was having her medical check-up.
And, I just got back from my friend’s (Nonie) house. Just talking and doing nothing else. I’m bored at home and I am missing everyone… but many of my friends are not at their home.. I’m looking forward to meet everyone!!
Hanaa’ is super cute!! she looks a lot like a chinese just that her skin is a bit tanner (huh? hehe). Oh, her cheeks are getting chubbier.. and her voice is soooo sweet. I love her small eyes! I will post her latest pic.. later.
What shall I do tomorrow?….
It’s dissapointing when you work so hard for someone … but that someone doesn’t bother to help him/herself. It’s annoying when you’re not supposed to be worried.. but you’re so worried anyway. It’s hurt when someone doesn’t care about things that concerned him/herself more.. than it concerns us…
I don’t know why I’m wasting my time for this…
Maybe because we, the left behind, understand the meaning of friendship more than they do…
naaah.. I don’t think so.
Maybe because we, the left behind, are the one who will feel the greatest effect.. they don’t give a damn… they’ll be free… they’re happy…
Maybe because we, the left behind, are the only one who feel sad because of this separation…
Maybe not…
Maybe just because of pure ignorant and selfishness … not everyone, though…
People.. if I misunderstood, just say so… no point talking behind my back. Nothing would change.
and.. I am tired of people taking advantages on me.. just because I look like I don’t mind, doesn’t mean I don’t mind … I’m quite good at pretending, you know.
I should learn how to scold people … but I think I have mastered the art. I used to be a teacher, remember? *laugh* And I’m going to be a teacher…
Or maybe.. learn how to say ‘no’ … sometimes it’s okay to deny somethings…
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Anyway, today we prepared ourselves for a presentation on the graduation night. The whole morning until just now.. The time now is 5.58 pm. But we did it leisurely, of course. With lots of jokes and breaks… haha…
And, alhamdulillah. Today I got to know my Computer Skills result. I got A! 88%. I am the highest in class. I was not so worried about this paper actually. I am more concerned about physics and maths, which I don’t know yet when will I get to know the result.
I cannot wait for the holiday. A month!. I’ll busy myself with alumni (p.a.l.s.) and KRJ works insyaAllah.
The third finger of my left hand is hurting since morning! I don’t know why. It’s so irritating and painful.
… today, my handphone is so quiet … hmm… I feel like calling someone…
I feel like writing in malay…
Di sini aku rasa kosong. Semua semua dulu yang aku tinggalkan, aku dah rindu sangat. Tadi, ustazah called. Aku tak sabar sangat nak balik. Nak keluar dari sini. Nak kembali…
Bukan aku tension dengan study. Bukan sebab kawan. Tapi aku rasa tempatku bukan di sini. I don’t belong here. I cannot stay here, I feel trapped. Aku tension sbb ini… sebab aku tak dapat nak mengekang diri dari jadi my normal self. This is not me, or rather, I’m not supposed to be like this. I cannot be like this. This is so wrong.
I feel so stupid!
I don’t want to go back to the past. But I wish this situation turned out differently. But then again, we cannot have everything in life, can we? Hanya Allah yang menentukan segalanya.. Ya Allah, kau permudahkanlah jalan ku… aku rasa buntu